Tag Archives: short story

Gravity

I listened to the dial tone until it flat-lined into a single note. Please hang up and try again. The receiver was heavy in my hand. Please hang up and try again. I pressed the red button to reset the phone, vaguely remembering the days when hanging up was more literal. The world was more physical then. We were more physical then.

Perhaps I should have seen it at the time but I always thought I was content in the moment. Now I think I was slow. What was it you used to say ? The appearance of things depends on how quickly you’re moving: that was it. That was typical of you. Making a joke about relativity when I was telling you how much I loved you. Still love you. You were always moving faster than me. I guess love must have looked different to you.

I knew what had prompted it. The reason I was holding the phone. The urge to make contact. On the radio this morning they’d babbled excitedly about gravitational waves, about detecting the ripples from broken stars across the furthest reaches of space. We can even hear it. God’s pulse. The universe’s heartbeat. But I needed to hear you, laughing at my ignorant wonder and explaining it all; rational, precise, sure. God’s pulse ? I could almost see you shaking your head, that mocking half smile. Signals converted to sound waves and frequencies pitched for human ears. You might as well let a child press random notes on a synthesiser. People will still claim they hear God. That’s what you would say, that or something like it. You were never cold though. Just different. I knew you’d hear the beauty in the sound of dying, ancient black holes, even if it was us that had given them artificial voice. You marveled at the ineffable but saw no guiding hand, no designer. Love had been the great unknown for you once. Something you felt but could not explain. The only thing I could ever express better than you.

There was something else I’d heard listening to that gravitational surge, something magical amid the traffic news and weather and stories of strikes and crime and footballers and missiles and award shows. I also heard hope. Or more accurately I remembered hope. I remembered us. To me it was like a distress beacon from the past; my distant collapsing heart, folding in on itself all that time ago, still yearning, still beating, only for its absent twin.

I dialled the number again, each digit echoing down the line and back across the years. You pick up.

 

……
This is the twenty second story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. My fundraising page is here and all donations, however small, are appreciated: https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/
Apologies to any real scientists reading. My knowledge of quantum mechanics is more akin to the narrator’s than that of his absent partner. I guess this is a companion piece to an earlier story in the 42: https://42at42.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/polaris/ 

Connection (epilogue)

Kate propped herself up one elbow and watched Jack slowly ease the bathroom door shut behind himself. “It’s alright, I’m awake.” Even through the half light of the early dawn she could see him smile. “You weren’t planning on making a quiet exit on me were you ?”

“God, no” replied Jack. “For a start I can’t remember where I left my trousers…”

“I think we were over there when…” Kate stopped and gestured vaguely at the hotel room door. She caught his gaze and then looked away, grinning shyly at the memory. He came back and lay down on top of the bed next to her, matching her head-on-elbow pose.

“Course I wasn’t planning on making a quiet exit.” He leaned in and kissed her lightly, lips brushing hers. As he was about to move away she whispered “good” and kissed him back, more forcefully, before playfully catching his bottom lip between her teeth. She stopped as she tasted the cool mint of fresh toothpaste on his breath, suddenly regretting last night’s coffee. The one they’d had afterwards as they’d joked about neither of them smoking. Stale coffee against that clean tang. She tasted bitter and that wasn’t how she wanted him to think of her; she’d surprised herself in the last few weeks that it wasn’t how she felt.

“You alright ?” asked Jack.

“Yeah, I’m fine” she said, running a finger across his chest. “Just thinking.”

“Always thinking. Thought I’d cured you of that ?”

“Oh, believe me I dissolve to a head spinning mess every time you walk into the room” sighed Kate batting her eyelids in exaggeration.

“Come on, not even a little weak at the knees ?”

“Maybe a slight tremble” acknowledged Kate with a smile. “That first time we kissed, maybe then. You remember that ?”

“A taxi rank in Huntingdon in the rain. Who’d forget that ? You took that cab from me as well…”

“Such a gentleman. Yeah, that kiss. I don’t know Jack, I don’t normally jump off trains with strange men….

“Less of the strange…”

“…with strange men and end up talking into the night before kissing them goodbye long after the last train home’s left.”

Jack leant forwards and pulled at a loose strand of her hair, easing it back behind her ear. “It was quite an unusual day, I’ll give you that. An unusual and wonderful day.”

“Thank you” she mouthed.

“So you had a slight tremble ?”

Kate groaned. “Stop fishing Jack. It was a nice kiss.” She caught the look of mock sadness on his face. “A fantastic kiss. In the Renaissance I’m sure they would have captured it in perpetuity in some grand sculpture or delicate painting.”

“Psyche revived by Cupid’s kiss” said Jack. Kate sat up in bed, laughing.

“How do you know that ?”

“I’ve been secretly researching stuff – art – to try and impress you.”

“I am impressed. I love that piece. I used to allow extra time for it on all of my tours even though most of the visitors were just shuffling their feet wanting to see the Mona Lisa or Venus De Milo”

“The one without the arms ?”

“Goodness you really have been researching.”

“I kinda knew that one anyway” said Jack sheepishly.

“I kinda hoped that you would” said Kate. “But Psyche and Cupid. I’m…” she paused. “I’m touched Jack, really, that you’d find out about that stuff.”

“Seemed important to you…”

Kate looked at him intently. “You know that story, right ? Cupid waking Psyche from her eternal sleep after she’s been tortured by Worry and Sadness and forced to endure a series of terrible trials.”

“Well that train was delayed for a long time…”

Kate rolled her eyes. “So you’ve cast yourself as Cupid – the god of desire ?”

“Seemed a decent likeness,” smirked Jack.

“I think Canova might have needed a little more stone dear,” said Kate reaching over and patting his stomach gently. “If I’d known you were going to be this cocky once we slept together I’d have kept you waiting a bit longer.”

“How long do you think it might be until next time ?”

“I don’t know,” said Kate arching an eyebrow. “Kiss me again and let’s see.”

 

……
This is the twenty first (half way !) story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. My fundraising page is here and all donations, however small, are appreciated: https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/
This, as its title suggests, is a brief epilogue to a story I had published as part of an anthology of short stories called Delayed Reaction. The anthology combines stories from a group of talented writers whom I’m privileged to call friends. It’s available here: http://www.delayedreaction.org.uk – or contact me direct if you’d like to read more.

Hibakusha

“I will not go there.” Miyoto folded her arms across her chest, pulled them tightly against herself. She turned her back on the doctor and stood gazing out over the hospital gardens. The room was silent save for the distant sound of the ferries shuttling up and down the river.

“We can do no more for you my child” said the doctor. “You have come so far but I can’t help you now.”

“I understand.”

“The Americans. Their hospitals, the equipment… There’s more that they can do…”

“I will not go there.” Miyoko turned and lifted the sleeve on her gown, up to her shoulder. Her arm, from elbow to neck, reaching onto her cheek, was an angry red, skin still raised. “If Japan can not take this from me then I will wear it.”

“And yet they call you…”

“They call me hibakusha” she spat. “Of course they do. They always will. My own people ashamed of us, frightened of us.”

“They project their own shame and fear on to you I fear.”

“I will bear these marks but I will not bear their shame for them” answered Miyoto. “Better to be called hibakusha than the other. What are they being called ?”

“The maidens” said the doctor softly.

“The maidens. Hiroshima maidens” hissed Miyoto. “The women too burned, too ruined to marry and yet somehow supposedly made whole. Made into maidens.” She turned back to the window. “I will never abandon my country the way she has abandoned me and I will never hide what the Americans did to us. How dare they offer to heal what they inflicted ?”

“I see that your mind is made up” conceded the doctor. Miyoto, without turning, nodded her head and listened as his footsteps receded. She waited until she heard the door click behind her before gripping her hands across herself, clutching at her burns. She let the tears run freely down her face.

“They will never touch me” she murmured. “I am Miyoko Matsubara, I am hibakusha, and they will never touch me.”

……

This is the nineteenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. More an excerpt than a full blown story – needs a little more colour but I thought I’d post it as is before I potentially revisit it. Miyoko Matsubara was a survivor of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima and refused to go to the States for further medical treatment. My portrayal of her here is entirely fictional. If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Orphan

I wanted to bear it for them, for all of them I guess. They were always worried for me after it happened but the truth was that I didn’t remember it. Not consciously. Sometimes I’d wake in the night, sheets tangled around me as if I’d fought something, suppressed something. I’d wake shouting and crying, opening my eyes to banish the memory. I would open my eyes and forget. Or bury. Perhaps it’s all the same ? I needed it gone to be strong enough to bear everyone else’s pain and burdens again.

There’s enough to go round here: the scared and lonely and helpless. The adults look after us but I know they don’t really understand, not in the way that we experience it. How can you know what it is to be ripped from your parents as a child unless it has happened to you ? So I choose to bear it because I understand all too well. I comfort Jack when he sits on the end of his bed and sobs, whispering assurances in the dark. I read to Sophie, always the last book her Ma read to her. She knows it by heart – it is part of your heart I tell her – but I read it anyway. I change Luke’s sheets in the night when he wakes wet and embarrassed from another nightmare. I pass them to one of the adults so that he doesn’t have to. Sometimes I swap them with mine to spare his shame. I’m so full of it now, so removed from any previous sense of being happy, being alive, that I’m numb to taking on their burdens. Perhaps they’re right to worry about me. It wasn’t always like this. After the accident, when I was first taken in, I was afraid and angry. They called me orphan. I hated that word. I wouldn’t be defined by what had been taken from me, by the absence of something – or someone – and so slowly I reshaped myself by what I could take. And all there was to take was pain and desperate, desperate longing. Yearning sadness. I took it and, at first, it cost me. Reaching out to the others, taking their wounds as my own, was like a constant reminder of my own loss until, eventually, it got lost. I lost my loss. I always liked how that sounds and sometimes I even convince myself that it’s true. All that sorrow disappeared beneath each gesture of kindness, each of the burdens that someone else could lay down and I could carry. Eventually I figure I will disappear completely, replaced by what was left of the memories of distant guardians: dead and gone.

I bear it all, each one of my brothers and sisters known to me, each one of them mine to carry. Mine to guard.

I have orphaned my own sadness by claiming theirs.

……

This is the eighteenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. Guess it was more of a point-of-view character piece than a full blown story. If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Iron Sky

They called it Kaleidoscope. I called it freedom.

Leaving the grey of New London had never seemed possible before I tasted the fractured colours of K; now I could leave whenever the walls closed in a little too tight, whenever I needed escape. Or whenever I could scrape enough together to pay Dazzle. Beyond the border wall, out from under the canopy of the Iron Sky, they said it was still unsafe, better to stay in here despite the restrictions. There were rumours but no really knew. You’d have to be a long way past desperate to take on the Quarantine Watch anyway. I saw them once, over at Gate 2 near what used to be Marylebone I guess, take down an old man who tried to get out; eventually they let him, in pieces, casually tossed through the gate in a sack after they’d taken turns in hacking his limbs from his body. It was about then that I’d found K. Or Scope. Depends on your dealer. I’d found Dazzle and his “mobile emporium of highs” stashed inside his long, dark trenchcoat. He’d sidled up to me one evening just before curfew, slyly opened his coat to reveal a myriad of coloured stripes and multiple pockets, from one pulling out a small medicine bottle packed with diamond shaped pills.

“Kaleidoscope” he grinned, offering the bottle. “You can call me Dazzle. I might just change your life.”

……

I knocked on the door of apartment 9732. No response. I was about to turn and walk away when a low hiss from the other side stopped me. “Who sent you ?” Dazzle and the others had warned me that this would be the question and now it was time to discover if they’d been serious about letting me in on Rise or whether the whole thing was just their idea of a K addled joke.

“Over love, over hate” I whispered at the door. There was just a hint of light suddenly visible from the spy hole, as if someone had moved away from it on the other side. The door opened a fraction.

“Give me your hand” ordered the voice on the other side. “I need to be sure you’re not Watch.” Tentatively I placed my hand, fingers outstretched through the narrow space that had opened up next to the frame. Someone grabbed my fingers, closing what felt like their own gloved hand around my wrist as they pulled me in closer to the door.

“Hold still” said the voice. “There’s no other way.” A savage, lancing pain exploded in my index finger as something sharp pierced my nail and the flesh underneath it. The glove gripped tighter on my wrist as I instinctively tried to break free; something was stuck deep through my fingernail.

“Scope him” said a different voice behind the door. A woman. I felt something cold push its way into my finger through what I now realised was a needle. Something cold that set my hand tingling with a sensation that was, by now, very familiar to me. K. The numbers on the apartment door sharpened as my pupils dilated, sharpened and then began to vibrate before appearing to dissolve in melting rainbows of colour. Too fast. I’d never injected before. The rise was usually gentler, a steady climbing of sensory appreciation and heightened awareness. This was like being strapped to a rocket. Too fast. The numbers retreated and elongated faces swam at me from the doorway. I stumbled as the door opened and my hand was released, closing my eyes against the overwhelming explosion in my vision; the drug’s signature fracturing of light into its constituent colours.

“He’s fucked. What’d you dose him ?” asked someone angrily.

“I like to be sure” came the reply.

“He’s clean. Get him inside and get the lights off. Lay him down, he’ll be no good to us now tonight you idiot.”

Someone took my arm, guided me inside the apartment. “Easy now friend. Close your eyes, it’s easier on your visual cortex. Afraid we spiked you pretty good and you’re in for a rough few hours.”

……

It became almost routine for a while. Two, three times a week making my way across the city, just before curfew, to join up with the others in Rachel’s apartment. Sometimes Dazzle was there, picking up more pills to stash away in the lining of his coat, but most times he was out on the streets, taking the city’s pulse and probing for more Risers.

This evening it was Rachel herself who let me in. She was alone.

“You followed ?” she asked, same as always. I shook my head. I took a different route each time and knew the Watch’s pattern for all of them, they were numerous but usually predictable, content to let the slate grey walls and ceiling of the city contain us.

“I saw something” I started. “Something different.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow quizzically before turning back in to the apartment.

“Over near St Pancras. They’re repairing the Sky.” At this Rachel stopped and span to face me.

“Details” she said urgently. “Tell me everything you saw.” I thought it wouldn’t take long, I’d only noticed the repair drones as I’d slipped past the station at dusk, but she asked me to go over it again and again, squeezing out every drop of the scene as I described it. There are sections of the Sky that look accessible all over the city, several of the remaining taller structures that survived the clearings when they called Quarantine bump against it. They’re guarded, of course, but even if they weren’t why would anyone try to get up there ? The Iron Sky covered the city for its twenty square miles, encasing us all beneath its sleek, frictionless, grey surface. No features, no purchase, no escape. The unpriseable lid on our world.

“How many drones ?” Rachel asked again.

“Three” I repeated. “All repair models. Two weld units and another one I didn’t recognise but it definitely wasn’t armed.”

“Maybe surveillance” mused Rachel.

“No” I said. “It wasn’t a Buzzer. No cameras up there at all. I guess someone must have been remote piloting from inside the tower.”

“How close was the repair ?” she asked.

“To the tower ? Almost immediately above.” I said. “Rachel, you could stand on there and maybe reach out and touch it. There’s a hole in the Sky.”

She was about to ask something else when there was a loud knock on the door. Quickly she put a finger to her lips and mouthed “did you invite anyone” ? I shook my head, I left the recruitment to Dazzle. The knock came again. Beckoning me to follow Rachel approached the door.

“Who sent you ?” she asked as she pushed her eye up against the spy hole. I noticed her body tense as she took in whomever was outside. Without moving from the door or looking away from the spy hole she pointed to her left. My eyes followed the line of her finger to a shelf, at waist height, which was stacked with syringes. All of them were preloaded with K.

“No one sent me” came back the visitor. “It’s Quarantine Watch. Reports of a curfew breaker. Open up.”

“Just me and my husband” called out Rachel. “We haven’t seen any curfew breakers Officer.”

“Open up. This is a direct Watch order. Failure to comply carries the maximum penalty.” The Officer beat out the last three words with a heavy bang on the door. Everything then seemed to happen quickly. Rachel stepped back and picked up two syringes from the shelf next to us and motioned that I should do the same, she nodded at the door and whispered “open it”. I had barely turned the lock before I was forced back into the apartment, temporarily caught against the wall as the weight of the door pushed me back. Rachel defiantly brandished the syringes, one in each hand, at the incoming Officer; she took a step back for each step into the room he took.

“Narcotic use is strictly forbidden in Quarantined cities” said the Watch Officer. He reached down to his leg holster and drew his pistol. “I am authorised to neutralize all users with lethal force.” Rachel looked imploringly at me, panicked. Without anything else to hand I stepped forwards behind the Officer and plunged the needle I was holding into the back of his neck, the only flesh exposed above his black Watch coat. The tip of the syringe snapped off, the skin unbroken, and the Officer turned, bringing his gun round to train on me. I dropped what was left of my needle and raised my hands.

“Keep your eyes on me” barked Rachel suddenly, moving forwards. As the Officer swiveled back to face her he was met with two syringes pushed straight into both eyes. He brought up his arms to try to ward Rachel off but she launched herself at him pushing the twin needles further into his pupils, just managing to depress the plunger on one of them before she was shoved back to the floor. The Officer clawed at the syringes, yanking them from his eyes, and shaking his head violently in pain. Blood ran freely from his face and he blinked furiously to try to regain any kind of vision. Unsteadily he raised his gun back in front of him, waving it blindly. Rachel dived towards me as he fired, missing her by several feet, clearly unable to see. Then he sank to his knees and pressed both hands to either side of his head, his body beginning to shake convulsively.

“It’s the Scope” said Rachel. I watched as he shook, tearing at his own face and head with his hands, screaming now. Finally he pitched forwards and lay still on the apartment floor.

“I tried… I tried…” I stammered.

“Neck’s no good” said Rachel. “They’re all augmented. Titanium weave just beneath the skin, it’ll turn away a blade.” She nodded at the fragments of needle on the floor. “Or a syringe. Some rumours say it’ll stop a bullet but no one’s ever shot one of these bastards to find out.”

“What happened to him ?” I asked.

“K. They can’t tolerate it” said Rachel. “It’s not just their skin that’s augmented, visual cortex too. Enhanced so they can see better in the gloom.” She let out a short, hollow laugh. “The only people that can see beneath the Iron Sky. They’re not called the Watch for nothing.”

“I don’t understand. We can use it. Why can’t they ?” I said.

“I don’t understand either” said Rachel. “Not fully but the K overloads the sensory parts of the brain and seems to interfere with the augmentation – it’s like it just overloads them. That’s why we use K as the test.”

“For Rise potentials ?”

“For anyone that turns up that we don’t know” said Rachel grimly.

“But my syringe bounced right off him ? The test wouldn’t have worked” I protested.

“They’re not perfect” said Rachel. “It’s the nails. Weak spot. For some reason they either don’t know how to work the weave into keratin or figure that it’s tough enough to protect against accidental Scope exposure. There and the eyes – as far as we know they’re the only places to pierce them.” Rachel had been breathing hard as we talked and she’d not been still, first closing the apartment door before then appropriating the Watch Officer’s gun and searching him for anything else that she deemed useful.

“He’ll be missed” she said looking up at me. “We need to get out of here, bunker down somewhere else and work out what to do.”

“It’s curfew” I said quietly. “No one survives out there after dark.”

……

Rachel knew a place near St Pancras and she wanted to head that way to see the hole in the sky.

“Strip him, put his uniform on” she gestured at the prone, dead Officer on the floor.

“Aren’t I a little short to be a stormtrooper” I muttered as I began to remove his clothes. Rachel didn’t respond but why should she ? The reference didn’t register. Barely anyone remembered things from before Quarantine. Everything had been confiscated – films, books, web access – as they’d covered the cities; closed the skies and closed our minds. I’d hung on to fragments from when I was a kid and recreational use of K had brought some of it rushing back; I think that was how Dazzle saw it, as a key to unlocking those things that Quarantine had taken from us. A revolution in the head he sometimes called it, a phrase I dimly remembered but couldn’t place. That was the thing about living under the Sky: it pressed you down, flattened your horizons, made you accept and forget.

“You set ?” asked Rachel. The uniform didn’t really fit, he’d been a couple of inches taller than me, but I nodded hitching up the regulation black trousers.

“The coat will hide the worst of it” I said.

“It’s maybe forty five minutes to St Pancras” said Rachel. “If the patrols are the same as the day then it’ll be hard to avoid all of them.”

“How do we do this ?” I asked.

“You walk like you belong” she replied. “If we’re seen you rough me up, keep me in front of you – turn the gun on me. Play it like a curfew infringement.”

“What if someone gets up close ? They might just kill you for being out.” Neither of us knew Watch protocol after curfew. No one did because no one was known to have returned from being caught outside once it started.

“We’ve got no choice” insisted Rachel. “There’s a Watch station at Baker Street and another one just past St Pancras, at King’s Cross. If a patrol interferes tell them you’re taking me to one of those, tell them you suspect I’m Scoped and you want to torture me when I come down to find out who deals for me.” I looked skeptical. “I know, I know. It’s the best I’ve got. They’re crazy about cracking down on K so maybe it’ll work.”

“And if it doesn’t…”

“If it doesn’t” said Rachel holding out two loaded syringes, her eyes suddenly flashing in defiance, “then we fight.”

……

We were lucky. I don’t think either of us had appreciated before how dark the city was with the lights switched off. During what the Watch told us was “day” they illuminated New London from the Sky, thousands of low wattage panels giving off a weak, grey glow, supplemented sporadically by the higher powered lights and search spots on guard towers. Drones buzzed intermittently up and around the surface of the Sky, repairing broken panels or running surveillance, occasionally dispatching a Hunter, their armed, deadly counterparts.

As we picked our way up Marylebone Road it was easy to imagine we were invisible, melting back into doorways, sticking close to the buildings running up the side of the street. We saw no one until, approaching what used to be Madame Tussaud’s, Rachel ducked to a crouch and signaled that I should do the same. We could hear shouting punctuated with gun shots.

Silently, tight to walls and cover, we crept alongside the glass frontage of the University on the opposite side of the street. There was a group of four members of the Watch gathered underneath a small light tower running from a portable generator, its ambient hum loud enough to mask our whispers. They had pulled a number of the old waxworks from inside the long abandoned Madame Tussaud’s and had arranged them across the pavement, statues I didn’t recognise, long dead kings, queens, princes, princesses, and celebrities. The crowned face of someone presumably royal shattered as one of the Watch took pot shots at it, splinters of wax peppering the street beneath the old green dome of the Planetarium. A shout of appreciation followed.

“We need to keep going” hissed Rachel.

“They seem pretty trigger happy” I said. “If they see us I don’t know if they’re going to buy the story.”

“Then don’t let them see us” she shot back. “It’s either that or play musical statues and hope they shoot the dummies and not us.” I held out my shaking hand. “Exactly. We move.”

We were lucky. As we inched forwards the Watch, seemingly bored of taking shots at single targets, began to move their stationary prey, putting together a group as if they were arranging some kind of macabre family photograph. They built their new target directly in front of the dome and, consequently, were facing away from our side of the street. We continued to move forwards as quickly as we could, fading into darkness again as we got further from the remote light source. Just before we ducked down Luxborough Street on the other side of the University I looked back to see all four of the Watch lined up, backs to us as they took aim at their creation. No one had seen the British Royal Family since Quarantine – they were either dead or had been absorbed into the post Quarantine hierarchies of power depending on who you believed – but I watched their glassy eyed, wax replicas explode in a hail of bullets as we hurried on in search of safety.

……

It was Dazzle that opened the door when we arrived. The rest of our flight across the city had been free of the Watch as we’d crisscrossed the streets south of the Marylebone Road, hugging buildings and embracing the darkness of curfew. There was a brief moment of hesitation as he noted my uniform, quickly overtaken with relief as he recognised both of us.

“Thank fuck” he said. “You knew the pass phrase but when I saw him stood there in all that I thought we must have been compromised or something.”

“We have been” answered Rachel. “Or, at least, I have been.” Quickly she proceeded to fill Dazzle in on the events of the past couple of hours, from my report on the Sky repair through to the execution of the Watch Officer and our escape across the city. Dazzle had lost his customary smile as he took in the news.

“Don’t worry” said Rachel. “I know we can’t stay here for long.”

“You can stay as long as you need to Rachel. You know that” said Dazzle holding her gaze. She shook her head.

“There’s too much at stake. If they trace us here then that’s another Rise safe house gone. And you’re our best recruiter.” She paused and smiled, genuine affection in her eyes. “I won’t risk you Dazzle. Not after everything…”

“She always was stubborn” said Dazzle, winking at me. “Maybe that’s why we’ve survived as long as we have.”

“We wouldn’t have made it across to you without her” I answered.

“I don’t doubt that” he said. “Look at you, worst fucking Watch Officer I’ve ever seen in my life.” His laughter broke the tension and I found it impossible not to join in. Even Rachel, briefly, allowed herself to laugh.

“Get changed and then get some rest” she said finally to me. “There’ll be some spare clothes in the back room. I need to talk to Dazzle, work out what to do next.”

“I might be able to help ?” I offered.

“Rest” she said more firmly. “I need you strong. When curfew breaks we’re going through the Sky.”

……

I hadn’t intended to sleep but must have drifted off, lulled by the low, whispered exchanges between Dazzle and Rachel. Just before dawn they woke me and told me the plan. They sounded certain but we all knew it was suicide.

As the klaxons sounded across the city signaling the end of curfew we stepped out of Dazzle’s apartment. The streets got busy quickly, anyone that had been designated for work was expected to report to their office promptly; as with everything else punishment for lateness was swift and punitive. We joined the steady flow of people headed towards St Pancras station – there was a large work site there – keeping our heads bowed, not speaking, blending in. Beaten down. We were all beaten down.

As we approached the station we saw the hole.

“Would you look at that ?” said Dazzle.

“Don’t stare” said Rachel. “It’ll draw attention. Look at everyone else.”

“They’re not looking” I said incredulously. “They don’t even see it.” Alongside us the ranks of commuters trudged steadily forwards, eyes down, heads bent.

“The Iron Sky teaches you not to look up” said Dazzle. “There’s nothing up there anymore. Keep your head down and your focus narrow. It’s the great achievement of the Watch – they keep us pliant by covering us over.”

We made our way towards the redbrick clock tower, largely unchanged since its Victorian beginnings save for steel platforms built out from the steeple to give access to the great and terrible iron ceiling that spanned New London. There was a heavy Watch presence on the ground, mingling amongst the throng of people headed for work. Directly beneath the tower, where we hoped we’d find access, stood three guards.

“There’s too many” muttered Dazzle.

“Hey, relax” said Rachel. “Let’s get closer, see if there’s a weakness. Perhaps they’ll change over when a new patrol comes around.”

“No good” he replied. “Then there’ll just be more of them.”

“This was the plan ?” I asked. Rachel sighed.

“We had to come and look” she said. “There was no way to know what kind of presence they were going to put out.”

“The hole’s still open” said Dazzle glancing up. “Repair drones haven’t finished but it’ll be sealed in the next few hours. If you don’t go today you don’t go at all.”

“We” said Rachel. “If we don’t go today we don’t go at all.” But Dazzle was moving. He strode away from us before breaking into a run. That got the Watch’s attention, no one innocent ran underneath the Iron Sky. Pulling up suddenly as space opened up around him, people scattering from the running man that would inevitably bring down the Watch, Dazzle opened his coat and span. The long rainbow stripes in his lining rotated and blurred, streaks of vibrant colour lighting up the morning gloom.

“Don’t waste this” he shouted, not looking at us but we knew where it was directed.

Everyone was staring at the spinning, whirling madman and I pulled Rachel towards the tower, switching my attention between Dazzle and the three guards. They hadn’t moved. Dazzle, slowing, seemed to realise that despite his efforts our path was still blocked. He began to pull bottles of K from the multitude of pockets in his coat, opening them and throwing the pills into the air like confetti. Kaleidoscope rained down on the morning commuters. And then, opening his arms wide, he began to speak.

“To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people.”

“What’s he doing ?” Rachel said. “They’ll kill him.”

“He’s recruiting” I answered. “Recruiting and giving us a chance.” The guards had begin to move towards him, hands reaching for holstered pistols.

“And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful. To make this life a wonderful adventure. Let us use that power! Let us all unite!”

“Those words” said Rachel shaking her head. “Where did he get those words ?”

“Fragments” I answered. “He uses so much K, who knows what he can remember from before Quarantine.” The guards were closing on Dazzle now leaving a clear route in front of us to get beneath the clock tower. Dazzle briefly caught my eye and nodded, I could have sworn he even winked, before he began spinning again, shouting up at the sky.

“We rise ! Into freedom ! Into freedom ! There’s a hole in the sky my people. Raise your eyes and look. Into…”

As we slipped beneath the tower we heard the shots and then there was silence.

……

The tower was empty until we got to the top. We’d climbed stair after stair before, finally, emerging in a room that gave access to the platforms and, ultimately, the Sky. A drone operator, crouched over his controls, was on the other side of the room, directly at the exposed opening to the platform. Most drones were automated but the hole must have needed repair work necessitating a more precise, human touch.

Rachel pulled the gun that we’d taken from the Watch Officer out from where she’d tucked it under her coat and cautiously stepped into the room. The operator was engrossed in his work and the sound of the weld units just outside masked her approach; he didn’t look round. Rachel took three quick, decisive steps across the room and brought the gun down on the back of his head sharply. He slumped forwards, unconscious.

“Augments ?” I asked, crossing the room to join her.

“He’s not Watch” she said. “Not military at least.”

We made our way out on to the platform and both stopped. There was a great tear in the Sky, a hole about six feet across punched in to the metal. Two weld drones flitted about around it whilst a third drone, clasping a steel plate, hovered alongside, now awaiting instructions that wouldn’t come from its incapacitated operator.

“Look at the hole” said Rachel. “Look at it. Something’s made that from outside. It’s been blown in. Blown in from beyond Quarantine.” I nodded. Both of us were silently weighing the implications, neither of us really understood.

We walked along the platform towards the hole. As we passed the hovering repair drone Rachel paused to run her fingers over the plate it was carrying. The weld units ignored us, programmed only to mend. I didn’t hesitate, the hole was exerting a pull now that I couldn’t deny. It was only when I was directly beneath it, close enough to reach up and grasp the edges, that I stopped.

Suddenly it sounded like a swarm of angry bees had arrived. I looked back towards Rachel to see two Buzzers, the Watch’s primary surveillance device, rise up to the platform next to her. The red lights on the front of the Buzzers were blinking slowly indicating that their cameras were broadcasting.

“Let’s go !” I yelled back at Rachel. “They know we’re here.” She made to move towards me but the drones circled her position, flying around her, tightening their radius on each pass. Again she took a step and this time one of the drones struck her, glancing off her shoulder.

“Come on Rachel” I shouted. The drones were frenzied now, repeatedly flying in and striking. I started back towards her thinking I could drag her along the platform. She’d raised the gun and fired off a shot but they moved too quickly and it had been knocked from her hand, falling from the side of the platform down to the street below. The commuters, already shaken from their usual accepting complacency by Dazzle’s sacrifice, looked up, startled, at the sound of the gun shot from above. I had almost reached Rachel when I saw another drone hove into view over her shoulder. Registering the look of terror on my face she managed to turn to face it: a Hunter. Military grade, armed, and with one purpose: to suppress.

“Run !” she screamed. As the drone opened fire she spread herself, opened her arms as wide as she could like a shield. A fragile flesh shield. Unthinking I ran and leapt for the edge of the hole, grasping its sides with both hands. The jagged metal dug into my palms and I felt blood begin to run over one wrist, down my arm. I heard Rachel drop to the platform and the crowd below shout and scream, final witnesses to her death. I couldn’t hear the Hunter but knew it must be closing in. I was strong enough to hold on to the hole but too weak to pull myself up and so I closed my eyes and waited for the end.

Gunfire rattled out again and I flinched expecting pain. I should have felt it before I heard it. There was a metallic clank behind me and then voices overhead.

“Pull him out” said someone. “I’ve neutralised the Hunter.” Hands grabbed my wrists and I felt myself being lifted. “We’ve got an audience” said the voice. I opened my eyes and looked down at the crowd staring up at someone being pulled through the Sky before I was lifted clear and put down on top of the iron ceiling that had enclosed my world for so long. It was slippery and something was falling on my head. Wet.

“Rain ?” I asked.

“Rain” said the voice. “There’ll be time for that later. We need to move.”

I looked up at him but my eyes looked straight past his face towards a glow on the distant horizon, the first light of the sun rising in the morning, struggling to make itself known amid the rain clouds.

“Where am I ?” I managed. “Who, who are you ?”

“We’re the Risen” came the answer. “And you just left Quarantine.”

……

This is the seventeenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. Dazzle’s sacrificial speech is from Charlie Chaplin’s “The Great Dictator” – no copyright infringement intended. The story, in part, was inspired by the Paolo Nutini song “Iron Sky”. If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

The Lender

It had been the dust in the end. Running her fingers across the tops of the tightly packed pages, wedged together on shelf after shelf Mary had caught herself imagining those same pages slowly yellowing, remaining unturned. The words contained in each book silenced by their vessel’s repose. Never thumbed, fingered, puzzled over or marveled at again. Never working their silent magic on those receptive enough to seek it out; or even forcing their will onto those that needed forcing. The unwary student. The time filling holiday maker.

The dust settled it. Her books lay dormant and unread, impotent. She plucked one from the shelf at random – Gatsby, Fitzgerald – and ran her fingers over the cover. Daisy Buchanan. How could she deny Daisy, laughter like money, the chance to dazzle and, yes, ultimately disappoint, a whole host of other readers ? With a brief smile she remembered the French doors at their first house and how she’d insisted on floor to ceiling white drapes. John had indulged her. Each and every time there was the hint of a breeze in the summer she’d flung the doors wide in the hope of recreating a scintilla of that 20s Manhattan chic; curtains elegantly billowing into the room. He’d mixed them Cosmopolitans and they’d idled away sunny afternoons. Maida Vale had never quite been Manhattan but her horizons had been unquestionably broader for having imagined it so.

What use was Gatsby on show on her shelf ? What use Pride & Prejudice ? The very antithesis of Elizabeth Bennett to sit passively, unchallenging. A worse fate for her Austen could scarcely have considered. The Handmaid’s Tale ? No foresight in grave and salutary warnings of the future that remain unread. Kerouac travels his road unheard; Kesey skewers authority to no effect; Orwell lays bare the fundamentals of how humans organise themselves and rationalise it but no-one bears witness.

Mary, fancifully, opened Gatsby in the middle, pulling apart the two halves of the book as if they were wings; the book’s pages forming a flat V shape like a child’s drawing of a seagull in flight. Since John had died she’d had little cause to come to this room, they’d called it the study but it had become more like a vault. Over the years, progressively, they’d deposited their accumulated wisdom in print here: Atwood to Adams to Asimov to Austen. That was just the As. She lofted the book around the room, opening and closing its two halves as if to encourage it, and its long neglected shelf bound cousins, to take flight. Laughing she took the book into a deep swoop, down to a row containing Tom Wolfe, James Joyce and Douglas Adams (all John’s), before circling back up and around to volumes and volumes of Shakespeare (hers), a heavily thumbed Lord Of The Rings (his), and, finally, a childhood copy of The Wizard Of Oz. Fly my pretties, fly. Why not, thought Mary ? Why not indeed.

Working through the rest of the afternoon Mary stripped her old shelves bare, neatly stacking books onto the floor. She swore that she wouldn’t get sentimental regardless of the memories bound up in some of the pages; strangely it was hardest letting go of a set of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books. Not because she’d particularly enjoyed them but because they’d been all John had wanted to read towards the end. He’d scarcely been able to remember what he’d had for breakfast but had no trouble recalling in which book Sam Vimes had first appeared and he insisted on regaling her regularly with quotes from Death, his favourite character. All too soon his favourite character had visited for real. There had been no quotes. Mary had found Death a brutally silent guest.

Despite giving her slight pause the Discworld novels were stacked with the others. Tidy piles of literature, spinning tales from the past, present, and future, offering up worlds and universes to be explored. Steadily Mary began to work through the books, gently sticking a piece of lined paper onto the inside front cover of each. The paper was blank save for the same line at the top of every one: the liberated library for the lost and lonely, leave a message and please pass me on.

The next morning, early, Mary rose, dressed and packed up her trusty wheeled shopping basket with her first batch of books. She walked to the train station, pausing every few houses to deposit a book through a letter box, book and house selected entirely at random. Once at the station Mary boarded the first train to arrive – an all stations to Aldgate – and rode it down six stops. At each station she disembarked, leaving a book on her seat behind her, walked up to the next carriage and re-boarded. She finally stopped at Harrow and had a cup of tea before returning home, repeating the random distribution of the contents of her basket.

All told it took four or five days to liberate the entire library. Much of it went out locally through letter boxes, some left in places that people might stumble across – trains, coffee shops, even one or two left in the surgery after Mary had to pop in to renew a prescription. There was no grand plan or attempt to think too hard about matching text to place, just a setting free of millions upon millions of words that were otherwise held captive – scattered like seeds in the wind in the hope that some might fall on fertile ground.

Three months later, as Spring stretched into the middle of Summer, there was a soft thud as something dropped through Mary’s letter box. By the time she reached the window by the front door and glanced out the street was empty. Looking down at her doormat though her face broke into a broad smile as she recognised the book lying there, face up: The Great Gatsby. Snatching it up Mary opened the first page and there, underneath her own previously written heading, were line after line of messages. Wonderful idea, thank you for sharing. I’ve not read this since I was at school: what a lovely thought. Some much needed 20s glamour, this really brightened my day. The lost and lonely finding some solace in the book and each other.

Mary turned the page and found herself reading the opening line: In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice… Still smiling she walked from her front door through to her lounge where she threw open her French doors. There was just enough of a breeze to set a ripple flowing through her long, white curtains. Scarcely billowing and twisting like pale flags (if Mary’s memory served her correctly) but enough of a hint to conjure up those old Maida Vale days. Later she could whip up a cocktail and silently toast to John’s memory. For now she settled herself into a chair, murmured “for old time’s sake then Daisy”, and began to read.

……

This is the sixteenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. I’m not sure I could ever give away all of my books but the idea holds some appeal: stories only really work if they’re shared. On which note please share this if you liked it ! If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Are you (and your duck) going to San Francisco ?

I know you thought it was terribly ironic. So very arch. The three of them flapping their way diagonally up the wall of your flat. Apartment. Loft space. Whatever the hell your friends are calling the places you live now. Earnestly discussing over a micro brew and a plate of sushi in some bar in Hoxton or Shoreditch or Hackney. Or a coffee or a herbal tea or whatever drink you’ve told each other is absolutely the only drink that can be drunk now. Somewhere with wifi anyway. And somewhere you can all chain up your bikes. Though why anyone would steal a fixie is beyond me. You’d catch them halfway up the first hill they attempted. Gears are progress you idiots, not some aesthetic mis-step away from some misremembered cycling purity. Jesus, if I never see you, your friends, or any of your skinny jeans, beards, or retro chic technology again it will be too soon. Casio watches were shit the first time around. Irony doesn’t make them better this time.

So, yes, you only have two now. I took the middle one to leave you a space. I’m sure there’s something you can pick up at Portobello to put there. Maybe a giant smiley face ? No one’s resurrected rave culture and remade it as some massive in joke of cool yet so, for once, you could take a lead. Strike out from the bearded herd. I know effort isn’t that cool but just do it before midday on the weekend – none of your friends will see you then. Still comatose besides their designated fuck buddy from the night before. You all declared love and intimacy passé, right ?

I stole your duck and took him to San Francisco. Fucking hell. It sounds like the sort of thing you’d say. Or read. Probably in one of those overgrown kid’s comics – I know, I know, they’re graphic novels – that lay strewn by your futon. The ones you bought when you declared that words were dead and wanted to explore your relationship to the world visually. Just before you declared print was dead and only experiences in-the-moment had validity. And then mindfulness was so over and it was all mindless hedonism. And then it was all about abstinence and simplicity (been back to your allotment lately ?). I’m exhausted from watching you make peer approved lifestyle choices. Anyway, you should clear up those comics. They’re a fire waiting to happen; one misplaced joint and the whole of Hoxton up in smoke. Thank God – or Daddy at least – for the trust fund.

So, yes, I see the irony but I’ve taken it. The duck has taken flight to the home of real counter culture and free love and Tales Of The City and LSD and flowers in hair. With me.

I’m sick of faking it. So maybe I’m swapping one set of clichés for another but me and the duck are off: we’re going to find ourselves and live.

……

This is the fifteenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. This came straight out of a writing class exercise prompted by nothing more than the line “I stole your duck and took him to San Francisco”. I deliberately kept it to 500 words. Please share it if you liked it (or even if you didn’t…). If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Riffs and variations on loss and friendship featuring balloons, AA Milne, Sufjan Stevens and phone sex

“When’d you last have sex ?”

“Ah, come on Jen. I don’t know…”

“You absolutely do know. It’s one of those things men know, like when their car last had its MOT or the date England won the World Cup or something.”

“30th July 1966.”

“Sex ?”

“Yeah, obviously. Of course not sex. England winning the World Cup. And for the record men do not carry round a perfect memory of their sexual history.”

“So when was it then ?” Jen pressed.

“You’re really not going to leave this ?”

“No, I’m really not. I’m worried about you Pete. She would have been worried about you.” She paused, wondering if that was too much but there was no protest from the voice on the other end of the phone. “She would have hated to have seen you like this…”

“April” Pete said finally. “It was April.”

Jen exhaled in relief. “Hey, April. That’s better than me you bastard. Why’d you hold out on telling me until now ?”

“April 16th 2011. You’re right, I do know the date. April 16th. Three days before the accident and five days before Georgie died.” There was silence on the line, not even the faint hiss of background static. “Jen ?”

“I’m here Pete. I’m still here…”

“It’s okay Jen. I can talk about this, don’t make yourself feel bad. After… Well, after she died, it got to be that I felt like I was a one man field of land mines in every conversation I had. People tiptoeing through sentences until, sure enough, eventually, they’d brush up against something that set off a big Georgie blast of emotion.”

“I’m sorry Pete. I didn’t so much ‘brush up against’ as trample all over it though, did I ?”

“I think it’s alright, you know ? I’ve been starting to think that maybe the only way to clear away some of those mines is to step straight on them and take the hit.”

“Is that something from counseling ?”

“My therapist ?” Pete gave a short laugh. “God no. Poor guy. I stopped going a few months ago, put both of us out of our misery. The problem with talking therapies is they only really work if you’re prepared to talk and I just don’t know that I’ll ever have the words to explain…”

“…explain what ?” nudged Jen.

Pete sighed. “Explain the absence of her. The loss. It’s not just that she’s not here anymore, it’s that the absence of her is here. It’s tangible. Like a… like…”

“A ghost ?”

“Ha, yeah. Maybe like a ghost. Or, I don’t know. My parents used to tell a story, that they found hilarious of course, of when I was a kid and won a big, red helium balloon at the fair. I loved feeling it tug and pull on the string as we walked home, bobbing and dancing in the air…”

“Is this story going to involve childhood trauma ?”

“Brace yourself Jen, I’m afraid it is but you started this so no backing out now.”

“Fair point. Continue.”

“I loved that balloon. It must be one of my earliest memories of having something that really felt like it was mine, just for me. I clutched that string so tight, so afraid to let it go. I knew that one slip and it would be off, floating free, and not mine anymore. But, of course, balloons and five year olds is a bad combination and inevitably it popped on some sharp object in my room…”

“Your parents left you alone with sharp objects ?”

“They were quite progressive. Anyway, are you going to let me finish baring my soul or not ?”

“Sorry. I will not say another word”

“So, there I was, now with a long piece of string. No balloon. There were some trace fragments of it left attached to the string. A small red piece knotted and entwined in the end as a reminder. But where before it had soared – I used to imagine it would lift me up and fly me away – now it just trailed along the ground. Earthbound, broken. Apparently I kept hold of that string for two weeks, pulling the reminder of that balloon behind me round the house. So I wasn’t very good at letting go of things, even then…”

“How long are you going to hold this string Pete ?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes I’m not even sure it’s entirely my choice.”

“How so ?” asked Jen.

“Okay, then, I’ll give you an example. Let’s talk about the sex thing.”

“The no sex thing. It’s been three years Pete.”

“Yeah, the no sex for three years thing if you want to get all pedantic about it. It’s not like there haven’t been opportunities.”

“I don’t doubt it. Decent looking guy like you…”

“Decent looking ? I thought you were meant to be building me back up.”

“Good looking then. Great looking. A veritable Adonis of a man. Plus you’re solvent and have your own hair and teeth. Women get less picky as they get older. Believe me, I know.”

“Alright, I’ll settle for good looking. Enough that there have been opportunities anyway. But when it comes to it the prospect of being with someone, of there being nothing but me and someone else, it’s too much. Someone else competing with the absence of her. How can I sleep with someone new when I think that the first thing I’ll do, when it’s over, is open my eyes, see that it’s not Georgie, and burst into tears ?”

“That might be a lot to deal with.”

“Quite. Ladies of Oxfordshire, form an orderly queue.”

“At least you’re imagining this happening afterwards. You know, it’s good that you can envisage going through with it” mused Jen.

“Oh, that is the best imagined scenario” said Pete. “There are various versions. The locking myself in the bathroom in tears version is another one. There’s inevitably a number of performance anxiety versions. Lots of calling out the wrong name versions, all ending in tears and recrimination.”

“Oh Pete. I’m sorry. Maybe you need to build up to it. Start off with phone sex first or something ?”

“Is that an offer ?”

“Ha ha. Can you imagine ? What are you wearing Pete ? I’m starting to get a little cold here, all naked and lonely. Why don’t you tell me how you’re going to warm me up ?”

“That was too good. You clearly have had some practice.”

“I love to practice when I’m alone” Jen breathed huskily into the phone. “What do you like to do when you’re alone ?”

“Okay. Weird now. Crazy woman stop.”

“Think yourself lucky we’re not Skyping” said Jen.

“If people actually shuddered I’d be shuddering right now. Do people really, actually have phone sex ?”

“Seriously ? You never did ? You and Georgie…”

“We were always together, there was never any time when we’d have been apart for long enough to even think about it I guess. To be honest I don’t remember telephone calls being much a part of any relationship I’ve had since I was about sixteen. Walking down into the village to use the pay phone, feeding 10p after 10p, just to keep going a series of awkward silences I was sharing with Laura Sheridan.”

“I’m guessing you and Laura didn’t… ?”

“It was pretty cold by that payphone Jen. And I’m pretty sure knocking one out in the village phone box would have raised a few local eyebrows. Questions asked at the Parish Council.”

“Now there’s an image I’m not going to be able to shift.”

“Well you started the whole phone sex thing. I was having a quiet night in, minding my own business.”

“That’s what I was worried about, that’s why I called. You’re always having a quiet night in and minding your own business. I worry…”

“You don’t have to worry about me Jen” chided Pete gently. “I’m doing fine. It’s just, like I said, not something I can just choose to get over. It’s going to take some more time I guess.”

“But you’ll let go of the string one day, Eeyore ?”

“Eeyore ! Ha.” Pete smiled. “Where’d that come from ?”

“Well, quite apart from your generally sunny disposition, your balloon story. It’s like what happens to Eeyore. Piglet gets him a balloon but falls on it before he can hand it over so Eeyore ends up with the popped remains on the end of some string.”

“That’s a new one on me. Who does that make you then Jen ?”

Jen sighed, exasperated. “I have taken on the self appointed role of Tigger, obviously. Your personal cheer leader, pep talker and grief counseller.”

“And Tigger’s recommendation is that I take up phone sex ? I don’t remember that in any of the books.”

“AA Milne had some hitherto unpublished stuff. Same homilies but more adult themes” laughed Jen before adding softly “anyway, I know it’s crap advice and I know it can’t much help but I’m all out of better ideas.”

“It does help” said Pete quietly. “You know what I was doing before you rang ? I was sitting in bed listening to music. The new Sufjan Stevens record. I was reading about it all last week, it’s about him dealing with the death of his mother, and is the sort of thing I should run a mile from. It’s brutally sad but beautiful, you know ?”

“Why run a mile ? If it helps…”

“Well that’s the thing. I don’t know if it helps or not, the consolation that someone else can express pain and loss so purely. It’s just me not letting go of the string.”

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s like those landmines and just one of those things you have to step on. Fall apart before you can put yourself back together.”

“Careful Jen, you’re starting to sound almost wise. I don’t remember Tigger being the wise one.”

“Ah but that was the genius of Milne wasn’t it ? Weren’t they all kind of wise in their own ways ?”

The line was silent for five, ten seconds. Eventually Jen asked the same question she’d asked every week or so for the past three years.

“I gotta go now Pete, early start tomorrow, but are you alright ?” There was the same pause he always left before answering and then the same answer before the line went dead.

“No. Not today Jen. But ask me again tomorrow.”

……

This is the fourteenth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. The title is pinched and adapted from a Sufjan Stevens song whose brilliant new record, Carrie & Lowell, was much on my mind when writing this. Please share it if you liked it (or even if you didn’t…). If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Prime

Your days are numbered. When they’d told me that, professional, detached, but empathetic, I’d run with it literally. This was day fifteen thousand, seven hundred and six. I liked the length of it, the time it took to roll around my mouth as I said it; it seemed to have more heft about it than counting off my years. Forty three.

They hadn’t actually used the phrase your days are numbered of course. For all their clinical detachment my team of surgeons hadn’t acquired the bedside manner of a bad James Bond villain. Ah, no, Mr Adams, I expect you to die… Having your own team, when it comes to surgeons, is not really something to celebrate – it’s not like Roman Abramovich having his own team. Other than really, really wanting them to win obviously. To be honest I don’t really remember the exact words now, I’m not sure I even registered them as it had been so apparent what the prognosis was before anyone even spoke that I’d just sat there in numb terror; my ears ringing and a rising wave of nausea threatening to envelop me. So I’d filled in the blanks later and settled on your days are numbered.

Fifteen thousand, seven hundred and six days. I’d toyed with restarting the count at one, from the day of diagnosis and seeing how far I could get, see whether I could get past the notional deadline they’d given me. At one point, again with the literal, I’d made it an actual dead line: counted forwards to the date marked by their best estimates and drawn a blunt, thick line down the calendar. Before: alive. After: not so much.

Running the count in days just has more substance to it than years. It’s easier to mentally trace back through individual moments framed by days than the aggregate annual view. Years are just too broad. 1972 born. 1977 start school. 1979 Forest win the League Championship. 1982 cultivate extensive crush on Anna Jackson and understand the cruelty of the human condition via Abba’s “The Winner Takes It All”. You get the picture.

There’s nothing special about 43. At 40 you can take satisfaction in hitting one of the big ones: life begins and all that. At 42, if you were so minded, you can riff on that number being an expression of the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Raise a silent toast to Douglas Adams and collapse into your own mid life crisis. Okay, you may not be so minded. That one might just be me. But 43 ? Nothing. At a stretch it is a prime number so maybe there’s some power in that. The 40s are ripe with them: 41, 43 and 47. A time to be in your prime, perhaps. Primes: indivisible except by themselves or one. There’s got to be a metaphor in that.

It seems easier to imagine a myriad of ways in which you could make a day, rather than a year, special. We could get crazy and break this down into three hundred and seventy six thousand, nine hundred and forty four hours. Or twenty two million – yep, million – six hundred and sixteen thousand and six hundred and forty minutes. Or compressed right down to one billion, three hundred and fifty six million, nine hundred and ninety eight thousand, four hundred and forty seconds. Enough time, put like that, to listen to Springsteen’s “Thunder Road” more than five million times. Or “The Winner Takes It All” of course but there’s only so much heartbreak one person can stand. And the prognosis was heartbreaking enough on its own.

Some of those days have been pretty shitty to be honest. The “your days are numbered” day was obviously a particular lowlight. That said, even on the shittiest day, I couldn’t hand-on-heart claim that every single minute, every single second, of that day was shitty. There must be a tipping point. Does more than seven hundred of the fourteen hundred and forty minutes in a day being crap render the whole day a bad one ? Or is it enough if just one minute – or even just a few seconds – is so horrendous that it sours the entire day ? What about a year ? What about a life ? Is the prospect of spending each and every one of your remaining days with a doctor’s grim proclamation of impending doom ringing in your ears enough to tip the whole thing out of balance: away from something worthwhile, facing down the apparent futility of it all ?

But, you know, some of those days have been pretty goddamn amazing. I have no idea why that sentence felt obliged to pop out all American like that but let’s go with it. Some of them have been real “get in the hole”, “you the man”, “who’s living better than us ?” kind of days. Maybe Americans have just got a better handle on expressing the whole notion of awesome than us Brits. Some of those days have been really rather good old chap. Cup of tea ?

It’s not even that the awesome bits are always obviously awesome. It’s certainly not the case that awesome sentences are in any danger of turning up in this monologue anytime soon. Sifting through the fragments of awesome in memory turns up anything from the biggies: falling in love with the perhaps-now-never-to-be Mrs Adams (maybe I should still ask her ?) right through to something as mundane as walking across Market Square late at night, wrapped up against the cold and watching Saturday’s stragglers and strays shamble out of pubs and bars. No idea why it’s lodged there but it’s filed away under happy. It’s possible I was drunk. Or stoned. Nottingham wasn’t characterized by sobriety for me at the time. There’s friends and family and music and laughter and wine. Strangely there’s also throwing a lemon around in a field in Reading. Another less than sober time. Losing my virginity nestled right up in there with riding the train through Dawlish station (the one with the beach) every week when I was about sixteen (a mere five thousand odd days old). Clearly one of those was a bigger deal than the other: Dawlish is pretty special. An assortment of moments that have stuck fast, constituent remnants of happiness.

So perhaps moments are the thing. Not years, or months, or weeks, or days. Individual moments of no fixed length, not counted in quantity but experienced and remembered for quality.

They hadn’t said my days were numbered. They’d said I had, maybe, three years to live. After the shock had worn off (who am I kidding, it still hasn’t worn off) I decided it sounded too small: three. Another prime number and maybe the one that was going to stop me finding my way from 43 to the next one, 47. So I started counting days, backwards and forwards. The numbers are bigger and stretch my conception of what’s left and what I’ve been fortunate enough to already have.

And they remind me that moments are the thing.

……

This is the thirteenth (another prime) story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. It is fictional for avoidance of doubt: apart from the bit about Anna Jackson and The Winner Takes It All. And the lemon. That was true too. Please share it if you liked it (or even if you didn’t…). If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/

Saudade

As her words sunk in the only thought Michael could cling to was: why here ? They’d spent the previous week in and out each other’s flats, out at dinner, caught some art house film she’d wanted to see at the Grand. A myriad of opportunities to break the news; the breaking news that she must have known would break him. Why here ? This was, in the heavily romanticized version of their relationship playing on a loop in his head, their place. He’d brought her here last summer, short sleeves and carefree, idly walking and talking about everything and nothing. They’d kept coming as summer lengthened to Autumn; the Fall marking his own inexorable fall. They’d kissed here for the first time when bare arms still smelled faintly of sun lotion and she’d still tasted of lemons; a bag of penny sweets she’d brought as a gift and they’d devoured like they were kids again. He’d confessed to her here for the first time too. I think I’m in love with you. Something like that. He’d practiced it for days, borrowing words from the long dead and the great wordsmiths, before it had just tumbled out breathlessly, hopefully. I think… No, I know, I’m in love with you. She’d smiled, put a finger to his lips, mouthed that she knew and kissed him fiercely. They’d only stopped as some leaves dislodged themselves from the tree above them and landed on their heads. Falling in the Fall. It had always been their place from then. Their tree. Their place. Their love.

“I’m taking the job in Manaus.” Those six words had hung between them now for what felt like a full five minutes. Why here ?

……

A year on, when he came back, the same thought nagged and refused to let go: why here ? Their place, their tree. Why here ? After all those weeks in each other’s pockets, myriad opportunities to break the news. Why here for the breaking news that she knew would break him ?

He’d brought her here that summer, short sleeves, carefree, idly walking and talking about everything and nothing. They’d kissed for the first time, bare arms smelling faintly of sun lotion. She’d tasted of lemons, her lips still fizzing from the bag of sweets he’d brought as a gift. Or had she brought them ? They’d kept coming as summer lengthened to Autumn – the Fall marking his inexorable fall – and he’d confessed to his feelings for her for the first time. I think I love you. Practiced for days with borrowed words but blurted breathlessly, hopefully, words tumbling out and over each other. I think… No, I know, I love you. She’d smiled, placed a finger on his lips, mouthed that she knew and kissed him fiercely. They’d only stopped as leaves, seasonally dislodged, fell on top of their heads. Falling in the Fall.

“I’m taking the job in Manaus.” Why here ?

……

Five years and this place, their place, still held his memories captive: imprisoned by the bittersweet pull of nostalgia. Less sweet and more bitter with each passing year. Why here ? Why had she chosen here for the breaking news she’d known would break him ?

From their summer, short sleeves and carefree, through lengthening days of Autumn this had been their place. First kiss, the tang of lemons, bare arms smelling faintly of sun lotion, to that initial declaration of love, long practiced but words just tumbling breathlessly and hopefully from his mouth. I think. No, I know, I love you. She’d smiled and kissed him but hadn’t spoken. Leaves had rained down on their heads to signal the end of Summer and she’d told him about Manaus.

……

Just a foolish old man now, thirty long years past those days when the world was so vivid that it had tasted of lemons and smelled of sun lotion. She’d only said six words in the place he’d always hold as theirs – I’m taking the job in Manaus – and summer’s kiss through Autumn’s falling in love melted across the seasons, back through the years, and evaporated. Why had she told him here ?

……

This is the twelfth story in my series of 42 shorts that I’m writing to raise money and awareness for Mind, the mental health charity. Saudade is a rather brilliant Portuguese word with no direct equivalent in English: I have somewhat clunkily expressed its meaning in this story. Please share it if you liked it (or even if you didn’t…). If you’re interested in donating to a great cause then please visit my fundraising page. https://www.justgiving.com/42shorts/