Tag Archives: flash fiction

The truth of who we are

The truth of who we are is more than the lies we tell ourselves. I think that is what I used to believe. A conviction that there was something intrinsically true at the core, buried under the tangle of half-truths, fables, lies, and stories we accumulate day to day. As if divers could explore the inky blackness of my ship-wrecked consciousness, sift the flotsam and jetsam, and eventually find a half buried treasure chest that would contain the actual essence of who I was. Even in metaphor I am submerged, hard to reach, broken apart, and believe that everything this is important, or true, is in the depths and not on the surface. I am not a reliable narrator of my own truth. I am not to be trusted.

There are things that I have believed to be true for a long time now, things that I thought served me well, maintained my self sufficient self. That is the first one. That there is value in self sufficiency and strength, whatever that actually means, and a wariness of others; an unwillingness to seek help that stems not from stubbornness but from not understanding how to ask, how to accept. I think that it can all be thought out. That all of the impulses and thoughts, emotions and reactions, hopes and fears, dreams and nightmares, can be rationalised. Considered, labelled, stitched together in systematic sequences, boxed off, and dealt with. An intellectual exercise to complete. I am already thinking ahead to the next paragraph to figure out how to make it appear clever as if that was ever the point of the endeavour. I am tired of thinking.

I think, on some level, that I thought I wasn’t really worth very much. Wasted a lot of energy in worrying about being found out, some kind of ritual unmasking that exposed a sensitivity to the world that I had cloaked in smarts and sarcasm, front and funny. People seem to like that projection and it’s not like it’s a complete deception; some of that stuff is true, it’s just that sometimes it isn’t and sometimes it’s exhausting on the days you’d rather listen to Bon Iver sing Re:Stacks and cry. There’s probably a whole shelf of self-help books that start from the you are enough premise and insist on being kind to yourself but reading the words and believing the words aren’t the same thing. Even writing the words and believing the words isn’t the same thing. In writing words I can be anything and, perhaps, that’s why I write them.

If the fundamental truths that I believed in turned out to be lies then what does that leave? They are hard wired now; brain chemistry isn’t fixed but it seeks the familiar patterns, the paths of least resistance, the worn-in grooves. Or worn-out grooves, like a record stuck on repeat, stuck on a scratch in the vinyl that you have to force the needle past or you’re just going to listen to the same refrain over and over again. Perhaps what should be left is to start with some new fundamentals, the ones that seem to bypass the exhausting over-thinking, second guessing, and the relentless, pointless, picky, destructive inner monologue. It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me (Taylor’s version).

That leaves things that feel true. And maybe the point is that I can’t really explain them very well except to say that there’s an evocation, a revealing of something that I can’t otherwise articulate. It’s there in music most obviously, whether it’s Kurt’s howling catharsis or Margo Timmins’ hushed whisper, Neil Young’s raggedly glorious guitar tone or the weary resignation of Fake Plastic Trees, the joy in Move On Up and the despair in Skeleton Tree. It’s there in laughter and connection; there’s a particular kind of kindness, I think, in trying to bring laughter to bear in a way that let’s people know that it’s okay to smile, okay to let their guard down. I overplay that kindness in my work but it feels true and I am unlikely to stop now for the sake of another rung on the ladder. It’s there every Autumn when the leaves are polished gold, suspended before the fall into winter. It’s there on the nights when the light pollution from the city can’t disguise the scatter of stars across the infinite, ineffable blackness above. It’s there in Withnail delivering Hamlet’s soliloquy or Han bailing out Luke to take down the Death Star or in every la-di-da to pass Diane Keaton’s lips. It’s there in a myriad of things seen and heard and felt. Always felt. I can deconstruct all of these things but all the value is in the feeling.

And love feels true. Possibly unfashionable and possibly sentimental but true nonetheless. 

So the crux of the dilemma might be that all of the rational, intellectual, clever modes of thought in which I dwell are lies, or at least not the whole truth, and all of things I hold to be true are beyond my comprehension and expression. Love, art, beauty, laughter, sadness, joy. Quite the shopping list. If Amazon start dealing in truth then hopefully all available via one-click soon. Free to Prime members. I guess the commoditisation of those things is actually the underpin to the entire entertainment industry but that feels like a distraction for another day, a diversionary tactic deployed as we were sniffing around something more fragile. 

And it is fragile. Age was supposed to bring certainty and, on a good day, with a fair wind, some wisdom. It has, instead, yielded less certainty, more fear, and more anxiety. Where’s the belligerent sense of being right about everything that I was promised? Where’s that intrinsic sense of something true at my core that I believed in? I’ve been mining my own seams for so long now that I surely must have found it if it was there. Again, we are back believing in hidden depths of value. Like I said, I am not a reliable narrator and I am not to be trusted.

The truth of who we are is more than the lies we tell ourselves. I think that is probably right. As for the rest of it? I don’t know. I might need to learn how to ask for help.


I don’t know what this was in the end. I wanted to wrap back to the start of July’s writing (the lies we tell ourselves piece) but I’m not sure if this one survived the contrivance. Maybe some of it is salvageable from the shipwreck.

Anyway, that concludes 26,000 word for Great Ormond Street Hospital in July ’23. With a day to spare. I’m over the 26K and over my fundraising target but any donations welcome here. Hope you enjoyed it.

A disagreement about The Cure

We had disagreed about The Cure. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me but you were pretty militant about it. My position was that they had done so much poppier stuff in later years that you couldn’t credibly call them a goth band anymore and this was clearly a problem for you. Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me is not a goth record and that was 1987 so it’s not like it’s even a recent thing. It’s got trumpets. Surely the least goth instrument unless it’s in a Wagner symphony or something. I’m a bit sketchy on classical music. Would Bauhaus have been improved with a parping trumpet solo in the middle of Bela Lugosi’s Dead? Well, okay, maybe but that’s not my point. You countered that it wasn’t just about the music, it was about the aesthetic and the attitude. I think you said something about how it was like when you saw goths at the beach: they might be in their swimming gear, probably getting sunburnt, but they didn’t stop being goths just because they happened to be playing frisbee. Robert Smith didn’t look like a frisbee guy to me, I reckon he’d want to be buried in sand, just his mop of frizzed black hair left sticking out of the beach like a mass of gnarly seaweed. 

If I’m honest the conversation hadn’t gone to plan. I’d spotted you pretty quickly after arriving at the bar and clocked the dark hair, dyed a deep (dare I say blood) red at the tips, framing slightly sharp features, high cheek bones, slightly pronounced, pointed nose. A cascading array of ear rings, a series of studs and loops around, seemingly, the entirety of the outside of your lobes. Looked pretty cool. You had large, hazel eyes. They made me think of the Well Of Souls but I decided that this would be a terrible first line, even my own inner monologue was telling me that it was dreadful, and figured that the Cure tee-shirt (Boys Don’t Cry) you were wearing was a safer place to start than a cave where the spirits of the dead await Judgement Day. How wrong I was.

I didn’t actually get to start with a line. You watched me walking towards the bar and, evidently, clocked that I was wearing a Nirvana tee-shirt and stole my conversational opener. Do you actually like them or is this a zeitgeist bandwagon thing? It wasn’t exactly that but you said something like that and the inference was very much that I was a zeitgeist bandwagon rider rather than a genuine fan. I didn’t mind. Other than the tee-shirt I wasn’t really looking like an archetypal grunge head at that point, just jeans and a pair of trainers. I’d had my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and had gone very respectable in anticipation of the end of term and trying to find some work over the summer. So I was looking less Kurt Cobain and more trainee-accountant-on-the- weekend. Your scepticism was justified I guess. I hated people that wore band tee-shirts for bands they didn’t even like or know so I actually thought this was a good sign that the conversation had started like this. How wrong I was.

I told you that I had liked them from the start, which, in my head, was Bleach, but you seemed to know some obscure stuff that pre-dated that and had, apparently, seen them on the tour they did with Tad and Mudhoney, I felt less sure of my fandom. Obviously I knew who Mudhoney were but who the hell were Tad? You seemed to sense my sudden hesitancy and declared that you’d lost interest in Nirvana after Nevermind came out; production was too polished and poppy, you couldn’t get on board with the whole poster boy for an alienated generation stuff. I wasn’t ready to completely give way on this point and suggested that maybe it was a good thing that more people would get into some great music. You started to sing the chorus to In Bloom by way of response. He’s the one who likes all our pretty songs and he likes to sing along. At this point perhaps I should have called it quits and slunk off to see if my friends had showed up yet but it was going so far off plan that I thought it probably couldn’t get any worse. How wrong I was.

I needed to get the conversation away from me and onto her and the obvious pivot was the one that I’d planned to start with. Talk about The Cure. You obviously like The Cure. This will be a failsafe route into a chat in which you hopefully discover that I am a good guy, not likely to hit you with a line about the deep abyss of sorrow in your eyes, and we exchange numbers, say that we’ll hook up in future. In retrospect it was a mistake to pivot to The Cure by suggesting that they were, just like Nirvana, equally as guilty of softening up their sound, playing to the pop crowd, and that, maybe, just maybe, they weren’t a goth band anymore. You watched me make my series of statements with a bemused, slightly detached air. I felt like a fly flitting around one of those plants that seems benign and then eats them, jaw like leaves sliding shut efficiently, smoothly, dispatching their prey. Something to do with Venus but I didn’t really pay much attention in biology. Or mythology. You stayed silent, waiting for me to finish and so I prattled on a bit longer about how Friday In Love could practically have been the Friends theme song such was its sunny peppiness. I don’t think I actually said sunny peppiness but I was babbling by this point so all bets are off. I finally stopped talking. You raised an eyebrow. Perhaps this was a considered reappraisal, an eyebrow that spoke of seeing something familiar from a fresh perspective, a perspective from someone that you were now thinking was pretty okay. How wrong I was.

I went to a lot of lectures that year. I was a good student and even stuck around for the optional stuff on tax law that was like listening to an atonal dirge of noise for an hour. Quite a lot like how I felt about The Cure before they went poppy if I was honest but I felt this wouldn’t help to say out loud. All of those lectures were as nothing compared to the exceptionally detailed dissection of The Cure’s career, songs, principles, importance, and place in alternative culture, that you gave me over the next ten minutes or so. It was impassioned, frequently sweary, oddly sexually charged when you talked about Robert Smith and men wearing make-up, and pretty unambiguous in whether I was right or wrong about the whole pop sell-out thing. It was magnificent. The only trouble now was that I had started out mildly curious, attracted by those well-of-souls eyes, and now I was in deep. You were glorious and I had blown it because I didn’t know who supported Nirvana in the UK in 1989 and I thought The Cure had some tunes that milkmen would cheerily whistle. Not even goth milkmen either. You were fierce and intelligent and absolutely gorgeous and I had no chance. How wrong I was.

We had disagreed about The Cure. You said later that you were just messing with me and wanted to see if I’d stick it out whilst you unloaded all that stuff about dark majesty and direct lineage from punk that was more legitimate than Nirvana’s Beatles meets Pixies marriage of convenience. I don’t think you were entirely messing with me. You do have an inordinate amount of Cure records and that enormous poster of Robert Smith over your bed still kinda freaks me out a bit when I wake up in the morning. I told you the eyes thing after a couple of weeks. You rolled them in response so at least my instinct to keep that one to myself early on was correct. You’d be a decent point of judgement for the dead though. As long as they liked The Cure they’d be fine. I grew my hair back out but you shaved yours off. It suited you. I said it made you look like Ripley in Aliens. Alien, you said back. Well, I think Aliens is the better film, I replied. 

How wrong I was.


Almost at the end of July and almost at the end of my 26,000 words for Great Ormond Street Hospital (fundraising page here).

This one was just a bit of fun but has its roots in an incident, a very long time ago, when I argued the merits of Lenny Kravitz with a woman at University who had a large poster of him on her wall. I still think I was right but it was probably a situation where it was better to be wrong…

Dirt Dawg & The Highway Hound (Marv’s Song)

When he got to drinking Marv liked to think about the old days, back when he and Hal had more hair than sense and they had no worries beyond whether their tyres would last until the next race meet. Dirt Dawg and the Highway Hound. First time they’d each showed up at track with their new names emblazoned across the top of their windshields they’d been laughed at by the old hands, the guys that had been on the circuit for a few years. They stopped laughing soon enough when they stopped seeing that windshield and only saw their taillights pulling away from them, left to pointlessly chase the newcomers through clouds of kicked up dust. It was all unofficial. You heard from somebody that knew somebody when the next meet would happen, either on some marked out piece of scrub land or, sometimes, late at night on streets that would probably be quiet enough to be safe or where a local sheriff had been paid off to close the place down. Marv liked the off-road tracks, Hal the streets. Hence the names.

They were good. It wasn’t just the drink talking, they were really good. Some of it was won in the garage, both of them spending hours tinkering with their cars until they were set just right, tuning the engine, tweaking the suspension, stripping out anything not bolted down that was just excess weight. Hal was the first to strap a nitrous oxide booster to his engine and he’d blow everyone away in drag races on the long stretches that they sometimes ran north of Culbertson, up by the cemeteries. Then they’d sit around laughing, inhaling the remnants of a leftover canister of the stuff; too young to buy beer but buzzing on the same fuel that had injected their victory. Not all of it was technical though. Even without the gizmos and gadgets they were the best drivers. Marv liked to say that they were too stupid to be afraid of dying and that gave them an edge. He’d throw his head back and howl and Hal would match him, their signature announcement before the start of each race, steadily matching their howls with the revs from their engines until they’d whipped up a furious frenzy of noise, men and their machines in harmony.

It had changed when Marv met Anne-Marie. She had loved the racing, it wasn’t that, it was that he suddenly felt a little less stupid and, as a consequence, a little more afraid of dying. There were corners he braked for a little earlier, racing lines he ceded to others that he would never have ceded, gaps between cars that now looked too narrow that, before, he would’ve forced his way through. He lost his edge. The Dirt Dawg got a little less dirty, less feral. She’s tamed him. He knew that was the whisper round the circuit but truth was that he’d tamed himself. He could see more in their future than stripped-down, souped-up Chevy’s, wanted more than the accolade of being the fastest thing on four wheels in Hitchcock County. Maybe the whole of Nebraska. Whatever, his horizons were a little broader now and stretched beyond the State line.

They’d married with a small ceremony at the local church. They didn’t have any money but Marv had persuaded Frank to let them take over the bar for the afternoon and into the evening. It started respectable with some speeches and a buffet spread that was all they could stretch to and it ended less respectable with tequila shots and a slurred singalong to ‘Jack And Diane’. Hal was best man and had insisted on driving them from the chapel to the bar. One last drag race, for old time’s sake. The Dawg and the Hound. He’d gunned the throttle, held the car on its parking brake until the tyres started to smoke, and then released it, hurtling them forwards. The ride of your life. Hal had shouted it halfway down the street, eyes locked on the road in front of him. In the back Anne-Marie had nestled her head into Marv’s shoulder and whispered this ain’t the ride of your life, honey, you wait until later.

That was the last time him and the Hound rode together. Hal couldn’t or wouldn’t leave the race circuit alone and didn’t seem to notice that younger guys coming through were getting quicker whilst he was slowing down. He used to feel like he was the still point as the world moved around him, perfectly calm in the eye of a storm. Only now he didn’t feel quite so fixed, was getting buffeted by the storm whilst he was trying to navigate it. Before everything happened in slow motion, the road out front a series of photographs he could hold in his mind, place himself and his car in, but slowly everything started to blur, like a faulty VHS machine that was stuck on fast forwards, dancing lines of static obscuring the picture. Marv had told him to stop. Nobody else, maybe, could tell but Marv saw him miss racing lines, watched him half a second off the start line, fishtailing because he’d left his braking too late, misjudged another bend. They’d argued about it and drifted apart. Last time Marv had seen him had been at Frank’s. He’d walked in and Hal was drunk at the bar, picking the label off his beer bottle, railing to nobody in particular about how Clinton was a phoney. He’d got up when he saw Marv, pushed past him to the exit. Another phoney. Whole damn country’s full of them.

Marv heard about the accident from some of the old crew still on the racing scene. There was a cross country run they still did sometimes that he knew from back when he was the king of off-road. Some fields east of Trenton, couple of circuits and then a sprint finish in to Massacre Canyon, barrelling under the railroad bridge marking the finish line. It was a challenging run, especially when it had been dry for weeks, the tracks hardening into a series of uneven jolting bumps, the cars jumping, drivers fighting to keep tyres on the floor. Back in the day it was the kind of run that the Dirt Dawg owned, the kind of run that made his name. Hal had never liked those races, he’d always preferred the surety of tarmac and the straight line speed down an empty stretch of freeway. Maybe he was trying to prove something that day, Marv didn’t know. All he heard was he pushed too hard in the final sprint, opened up his nitro way too early, way too far, hit a rise and lost control, stacked his Mustang into the side of the bridge. If he’d been wearing a helmet they said he might have survived but the Dawg and the Hound never wore helmets.

If it was one of those afternoons that started with a beer and then stretched into the evening, time marked out in a growing stack of bottle caps on the bar, then Marv might get to thinking that his whole life had been one long drift, too much power early on and then just trying to find some balance to stop the whole thing spinning out of control. Anne-Marie died about ten years after Hal, summer of ’94. She was no age and he didn’t really understand what they told him in the hospital in the short time between diagnosis and her passing. He understood the bills. For all Clinton’s promises it didn’t seem to make much difference to people like them and none of his driving gigs came with medical insurance. It took him ten years to pay it all off, taking a long-haul truck job, spending his days and nights traversing the country, hoping the noise from his twin twelve cylinders would drown out his grief. He made some kind of peace with it and settled back in Trenton because he didn’t know where else to go.

The truck wash had been an idea he’d been turning over in his mind in the last couple of years of driving. There was pride in the community of truckers ploughing the highways, they might not come right out and say it but he’d watch them take a rag to polish up a bumper or vacuum out their tractor. Sure, they were all a little rough around the edges but they liked their rig to be smooth. He’d opened Dirt Dawg’s Truck & Car Wash in the Fall of ’05, figuring that he had enough money to make it through that first winter and then demand would pick up into the summer, no rain to rinse away the dust and grime from the road. The name had seemed obvious and, maybe, he hoped there were still some around who remembered the original young buck that had worn that title, remembered when nobody could touch him across the county dirt tracks, remembered when nobody could touch his partner on the streets. Just glory days. No-one seemed to remember except him and Frank. You’re like that song, Marv. Holding to glory days. Frank would put it on in the bar sometimes to amuse himself, usually on those nights where either the stack of bottle caps or Marv would topple over.

He was tired. He knew he was slowing down and he wasn’t resisting it, he wasn’t interested so much in raging against the dying of the light as fading down the dimmer switch himself. His days of being on full beam were done. He took on that kid, Johnny, to run more and more shifts and he saw something of himself in the boy, something of who he used to be. A certain restlessness, a certain attitude. They never spoke about the future but Marv thought that perhaps he could pass the business on, let himself be bought out by this pup, let the old dog finally rest, finally stop drifting. Johnny had other ideas.

The night Johnny and Diane pulled their Bonnie and Clyde stunt, jumped town with the pick-up, Marv was drinking at Frank’s. He’d only had a couple. Frank was regaling the bar with his story about travelling up State to see the Trump rally and how he was going to bail out the little guys, the forgotten guys, the American guys. Marv didn’t want to hear it all over again. He’d stopped wearing the MAGA hat that Frank had got him after a while; the more he saw of this guy the more he just thought he was the same as all the rest of them. Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama. None of them had done anything for him or for Anne-Marie. Hal would have called him a phoney and he reckoned he probably had it about right. He left the bar and decided to check that Johnny had locked up as he had to pass the truck wash on his way home anyway.

He noticed the girl first. She was sat on the sidewalk, hugging her legs up to her chest. Something about it reminded him of Anne-Marie, how she used to sit up on the hood of his car in the same kind of pose. It used to drive him mad and he’d yell at her to get down, shout about the rivets on her jeans scratching his paint work, but she’d just laugh at him and chide him for loving his car more than her loved her. And she knew that wasn’t true. He thought he recognised this girl, she looked like the one that had been helping up at Cindy’s, had moved in there for a while after that nasty business between Cindy and Randall. Cindy said she was a nice kid. Marv never thought of himself as the smartest guy but he saw the make-up, saw the cropped top and the too-tight jeans, saw the girl trying to front up as a woman, hanging around beside a known stop off for groups of men. He saw what this was. Saw someone else drifting and about to spin out of control.

You steer into it when you’re about to spin. So he gave her something to steer into.

“Come see me tomorrow if you want work,” Marv said. “I think I might have an opening. Dress for washing cars though. You know, appropriate like. It’s honest work and I got more demand than Cindy does. Place like this, dogs go out of fashion but trucks and cars? They seldom do.”

He thought about Johnny, out there running the highway, and decided to let him go. He could understand why a young man might want to get of Trenton. He figured he’d abandon the pick-up along the way and there couldn’t be many Dodge Rams on the road decorated with Dirt Dawg decals and a horn that blasted a whistling howl. He’d get his truck back but, even if he didn’t, some things were more important. He’d lost the Hound and he’d lost Anne-Marie, damn near lost himself, but he wasn’t going to let this girl get lost too.


This concludes the loosely entwined trilogy about Trenton, Nebraska. I guess it’s mainly Marv’s back story. You can decide if Jennifer sticks it out and eventually takes over Frank’s bar or not. I like to think she maybe does.

This is another story in my 26,000 word commitment for Great Ormond Street Hospital in July ’23. Fundraising page here

A secret never told

“Rain later, apparently.”

He didn’t turn as I approached. The two of us leant against the gate, looking out over the meadow. A solitary magpie landed on a scrubby patch of grass in front of us and began to peck at the earth.

“Good. Field needs it. It’s been a hard summer.”

“It’s still uneven.” I gestured at the patch where the magpie continued its restless scouring of the ground. Two others broke from their circling overhead and joined their companion who greeted them with an angry, rattling, staccato cry. 

“People don’t see it like you do. It’ll grow over again given another year.”

“I guess. You sure it’s being left as pasture?” 

He nodded without averting his gaze from the field. “Won’t be ploughing this for three or four years. Needs to lie fallow for a good long time. They might put some sheep in there next year I reckon once the grass takes hold properly.”

“As long as you’re sure?”

“I was always sure.” 

I pushed myself away from the gate, feeling my weight through my arms, and looked up at the darkening sky. John was sure. If he’d been trying to reassure me it hadn’t worked. Hearing footsteps behind me I turned my head to see someone from the village approaching. She was followed by a dog, sniffing eagerly at the hedgerow. Jet black. Perhaps a labrador cross. I’d never really known about things like that. Another part of country life that I’d need to learn. I acknowledged her as she passed and bent to pat the dog as it barked in greeting. Over the fence the magpies scattered at the noise.

“Looks like it’s going to rain,” called the dog walker. “Come on Rosie. Here girl.”
Rosie ignored her owner and scrabbled under the gate and went bounding into the open field, tail flapping in the rising wind. She paused where the magpies had previously settled and pressed her nose to the ground. She began to bark.

“Daft dog. Must have caught the scent of something,” said the walker coming up to the gate. “Here Rosie. Come on. Good girl.”

“There were some birds in the field earlier,” I said. “Magpies.” 

“How many?” asked the walker in between continuing to call back Rosie. I started to join in. John briefly touched my arm, his hand firm. I stopped calling for the dog.

“Anne’s new to the area. She won’t know what you mean,” he said. “Doubt she’ll know about our little country superstitions.” 

She didn’t seem to hear, wrapped up in shouting at her disobedient companion. The dog had barely moved, still sniffing the earth. I gripped the gate, knuckles whitening.

“What am I going to do with that creature?” she muttered. Reaching in to her coat she pulled out a biscuit but Rosie didn’t appear to notice until it was thrown towards her, into the field. Then she trotted back towards us and snapped up the biscuit, crumbs scattering around her as she chewed. Another proffered biscuit was enough now to tempt her back and I watched as Rosie and owner disappeared up the path again. I relaxed my grip on the gate and turned to look back at the field. 

One, then three, then, finally, seven magpies alighted back in the meadow, squabbling over the remnants of dog biscuit. John was staring straight ahead again and something in the set of his jaw told me not to ask him what it meant.

Embers

Marylebone Platform Six: Arrival

Is it too late at forty one? It was the first question that Jane wanted to ask, impatiently thumbing a magazine in the waiting room. She had read the literature, seen the changes in risk profiles past certain ages, heard the opinions of friends, family, strangers in forums on the internet, and the consensus was that it wasn’t too late. It wasn’t, perhaps, ideal but it wasn’t too late. She wanted to hear it out loud from a professional. She wanted somebody with a medical certificate on their wall, preferably wearing a white coat, to spell it out to her.

The waiting room was the same as she remembered it from the only time she’d persuaded Paul to come. Curved, vertically slatted, wood panelled walls framed the space, a light wood that softened the room and retained the light. They’d talked about it when they’d sat here together, a distraction from the real reason they were there. He thought it looked like somebody’s idea of the future from the 1970s, she thought it was Scandinavian and designed to evoke a sense of calm. Now she wasn’t so sure, sat there alone. It wasn’t helping the knottiness in her stomach or her quick glances around the room each time a door opened or the receptionist shuffled a set of papers or the printer on her desk hummed to life or the telephone rang. She didn’t think Paul had been right either. If this was an imagined future then it was not one she would ever have imagined for herself.

There were six other people in the waiting area with her, all couples, all sat quietly, two of them holding hands, the other sat side by side, her with her head leant across his shoulder. Everyone had acknowledged each other every time somebody new arrived, usually a silent nod or smile, a tacit sign that whilst nobody knew the details of everyone’s story they did understand the gist of it, understood that they had all reached an inflection point where they were all looking for the same happy ending. Jane had found that smallest moment of connection oddly moving and had immediately bent over to rummage in her bag, pretending to look for something important, so that she could compose herself, hold back the tears that were threatening to run down her face.

Jane watched two of the couples, in turn, be called to another room ahead of her. In their absence she imagined the myriad of chance events that could have played out that led them here, the arbitrary sequences where biological collisions were missed or cellular reactions spluttered and faded or genetics were just wired, unknowingly, against the hopeful protagonists from the start. She tried to read their faces as they came back into the waiting area but everyone carried the same pensive, considered look that they had as they entered. Maybe they didn’t know anymore than they did before. Maybe everyone realised, out of respect, that this wasn’t the place to show more than cautious optimism. Not everyone would leave with the news they wanted. Jane had read enough of the statistics to understand that.

Her name was called and she was directed down a corridor towards the back of the waiting area, and then into a room, marked simply with the name of her fertility consultant and the assorted set of letters after his name. MBBS BSc MD DFFP MRCOG. She didn’t understand any of it beyond the BSc but was reassured in its impenetrability, in its length, in its blank capitalisation. She hesitated and then tentatively knocked. If Paul had been her she knew he’d have hung back, waited for her to make things happen. The thought galvanised her and she didn’t wait for a response, just pushed the door open and stepped through.

Doctor Jacobs – Andrew, please, call me Andrew – was the owner of the various initials on the door and Jane listened as he talked through the potential IVF pathways open to her, detailed the risk profile information that she had already exhaustively googled, and gave her an honest appraisal of her chances. It’s a physical and emotional commitment, Mrs Roberts, and there’s no guarantees but you’re healthy, all your indicators are as good as they can be, so it’s certainly not a situation where I’d be looking to dissuade you.

“I prefer Jane,” said Jane suddenly. “I’m just finalising some paper work but I don’t think of myself as Mrs Roberts anymore.”

Andrew tilted his head slightly to the side. “Your ex-husband. Of course. I am so sorry about his death, Jane.”

“Thank you,” she said. “We were actually divorced but there was some admin to finalise and then he died. It was all very unexpected.”

“He explained it to me,” said Andrew. “I really am so sorry, I was so caught up in explaining the processes and the details that I usually cover. I really should have started with that.”

“He explained it?”

Andrew opened a file on his desk and picked through the sheets of paper inside it, eventually finding what he was looking for, pulling it out and placing it in front of her. “He wanted you to have this. He wanted me to give you this.”

Jane stared at it for a few moments, caught between curiosity and a sense of deep apprehension. She’d sat on the train on her way in mentally preparing for what she thought was every possible permutation, every way in which this conversation might go, every choice she might be offered, but none of that preparation had included a letter from Paul. She’d consciously walked rapidly down the platform at Marylebone, fixated on nothing but the exit barriers and the passage way to the street, deliberating screening out all of the small reminders, all of the tiny emotional cues that the place prompted in her. She’d deliberately avoided the station since the disposal of his ashes and had wanted that to close it all off, to end their story in the same place it began.

Curiosity won. Jane read Paul’s letter.

Dear Jane,

I am not foolish enough to seek your forgiveness. I know you too well and, more importantly, have come to realise that what I did doesn’t deserve that you forgive me. I regret it all deeply and that is something that I have to carry.

Perhaps somewhere you can appreciate the irony in the formality of this letter, now that we’ve parted and will lead separate lives. Do you remember that we started with Pride & Prejudice and I misquoted Mr Darcy, a vain hope that I would not lose your good opinion lest it be lost forever. Clearly I have lost it forever and I have only myself to blame for that. Know that I am sorry. I know that will probably not mean much, after everything, but know that’s it true all the same.

When you left me in 31 Below, that last time I saw you, you said that I owed you. I’ve thought a lot about that since and I think you’re right, I know you’re right. I’m due for my surgery in a couple of weeks and, after that, I will disappear. I don’t want to bounce around London anymore, bumping into the places that were ours, regretting what I let get away from me. I don’t know exactly what I will do but I’m going to move away, going to start again somewhere else, see if I can find a small village cricket team that will have me. But that’s all about me and not about you. And you were right, I do owe you.

The surgery will stop me ejaculating. I tried to think of a more poetic way to say it but drew a blank. No puns intended. Perhaps you realise how difficult this is for me and remember that we used to laugh at things like this? Used to laugh at so much. I’m sorry if it’s too late for that. How would Mr Darcy have put it? I guess Austen painted him as a study in quiet, simmering virility so I suppose it’s not a line she would ever need to have grappled with. What I’m trying to say is that after the surgery the one last thing that I might be able to do for you will be denied me.

I’ve donated my sperm to this clinic and arranged for it to be frozen. I finally made good on those conversations we had, those things I owed you. All the paperwork is taken care of. If you want to use them as a donor then they are yours – and only yours, this is something I should have helped us do together and it’s something I only want to help you do alone. If you choose to. I would completely understand if I am the last donor on earth that you would want to entertain.

This is no recompense for the damage I’ve done, Jane, but I hope it is, at least, something. I loved you. I didn’t honour that and, for that, I’m sorry but I did love you.

Yours, Paul.

Jane read Paul’s letter and stared at the paper, in silence, for several minutes. Andrew sat watching her, fingers pressed to lips, mindful to give her space. She looked up at him.

“This is not how I imagined this would all work, you know? I was so sure about everything, so certain in what I wanted, what I went after, what I got. Life was a series of things to achieve, things in my control that I could… I don’t know, that I could bend to my will. And I had a lot of will. And this… this is something that I can’t.”

“I wish that it were different,” replied Andrew.

She asked her question. “Is it too late at forty one, doctor? Sorry, Andrew. Is it too late?”

“There’s no guarantees but it’s not too late,” he said. 

“Am I crazy to do it alone?” It was the other question she had played over in her mind; the one for herself but which she asked quietly now, almost as if he wasn’t there.

“You can’t bend fertility to your will,” he said. “But if we succeed then I have no doubt, no doubt at all, that you can bend parenthood to it. It’s not crazy at all. It maybe takes a special kind of stubborn but it’s not crazy.”

Jane held his gaze. “Stubborn I can do. When can we start?”


Part six and the conclusion of the Marylebone stories. I am aware that the ending, technically, remains ambiguous so I may write a coda/epilogue for it at a later point. I know what I think happens to Jane but you are free to imprint your own version…

This continues my 26,000 words for Great Ormond Street in July ’23. Any and all donations to fundraiser very welcome on this link.

Cinders

Marylebone Platform 5: Departure

It was Jane that they called. He had listed her as the emergency contact; she wasn’t sure whether it was out of habit, some muscle memory from when they were married, or because there wasn’t anyone else. Nobody that had stuck around at least. 

She’d known that he was having the surgery. He’d asked to meet up and she’d agreed to a coffee at 31 Below, listened as he’d talked about things she didn’t really understand; enlarged prostate, strictures, bladder neck incisions. He’d made light of it at first – pretty sexy, right? – but she knew him well enough, behind the bullish bluster and bravado, to see that he was scared. And alone. That part was also unsaid but she sensed it and realised that he was trying to draw her into this, trying to lean on what they were before to help him get through it. 

They had argued. Paul had told her that the surgery meant that he wouldn’t be able to have children. Some more medial jargon she didn’t understand. At first she thought that he was expressing some remorse about the thing he’d always denied her – or, at the very least, the thing they’d never been able to agree on. It’s not the right time. I’m not sure if I’m ready. It’ll change our lives so much. Then he said it. I always thought I’d be a dad and now I won’t. It wasn’t remorse for what they might have lost, just regret for something denied to him alone, something he could have had with her but had always pushed away. 

She had wanted to scream at him. She sat stirring a spoon in her coffee, watching frothed milk spin around the cup until the urge to yell incoherently at him subsided, her anger dissipating in the swirling foam. “Why are you telling me this, Paul?”, she said finally.

“I thought you should know. I thought I owed you that,” he said.

“You owed me that?” Jane was incredulous. “Of all the things you might owe me, Paul, this is really the least of them.” He started to try to speak but Jane continued, cutting across him. “You owed me not fucking some old college friend at The Landmark on a regular basis. The fucking Landmark. Was she really that classy? Couldn’t you have taken her to the King’s Cross Premier Inn and saved some money on your infidelity? It might have been better for her. They have a good night guarantee and I can’t believe you would be as reliable as them in that promise.” Her voice was raised slightly now but controlled. A couple on the next table had paused their conversation, listening but pretending not to listen.

“Jane, just let me…”

“No, Paul, I won’t just let you. You owed me ten years of marriage and a series of broken promises about having a child. You owed me missed appointments at the IVF clinic. You owed me not being too proud to wank into a pot so they could test whether it was you or me that was ‘the problem’. So you don’t get to call me out of the blue and start acting all ‘poor me’ because you’ve got to have an op that’s going to stop your juices flowing.”

“It’s retrograde…”

“You’re not listening. I don’t care what it is. I’m sorry you have to have whatever it is that you have to have but I don’t really care. I’m done caring about you – for you – Paul and I want no part of this, whatever this is supposed to be.” Jane had left him sitting there, leaving the cafe in a rush, seat scraped back across the floor, coat flung on as she walked out. The chill of the outside air had felt like a slap around her face as she pulled open the door and her anger cooled as quickly as it had risen, leaving her feeling numb, suddenly exposed. She paused in the doorway. What did he want from her? She left without looking back.

The hospital was off Wellbeck Street. Jane thought about hailing a cab but it would be jammed at this time of day and she wasn’t far from Picadilly Circus so she jostled her way through the tourist throng to the tube station. As she came up the escalators at Marylebone she was briefly overwhelmed with a flood of memories, a sudden sense of anxiety which surprised her. She passed the flower stall which had been their meeting place in the early days, when everything was blooming, and slowed slightly, thought about stopping to pick up some tulips. Those were the ones he’d always picked out for her. It’s urgent, Mrs Roberts, your husband is in the high dependancy unit and we’d strongly advise you to come. She quickened her pace and left the station.

The hospital reception was calm and quiet, a smiling woman, glassed pushed back onto her forehead, looked up from a computer as Jane approached. She listened as Jane explained why she was there, gradually allowing the smile to soften on her face to something more neutral. She picked up a phone and spoke quickly, reassured Jane that someone would be right down to take care of her. After a few minutes a nurse arrived and took Jane up to a different floor, briskly escorting her down a corridor until they reached a set of signs for high dependency and intensive care.She ushered Jane into a small waiting room, pale pastel shades, a box of tissues discretely placed on a side table, and said that someone would come soon. They would keep her updated. Please wait.

Jane closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her breathing, forced her focus to the steady rise and fall of her chest and the sensation of air entering and leaving her body. She curled her toes in her shoes as if she was forcing them into the floor, felt the shape of the chair support her body, tried to notice all the places where it came into contact with her. Each time she took her attention away from the simple physicality of the chair her mind raced away.

It raced back through a series of memories of their time together; a slide show of moments set on fast forward, images tripping over themselves, just snap shots suggesting the essence of them. Running for the last train, him bounding on to it and wedging the door open so she could duck under his arm. Drinking cocktails in Soho, watching a hen party dance on the tables, Paul eventually joining them, laughing as they draped a feather boa around his neck. Walking through Regent’s Park in the Spring, late afternoon, arm in arm, listening to him talk about cricket. Walking the steps at the Town Hall on their wedding day, pretending not to notice a group of her friends scuttling in just before her having misjudged how long they’d stayed in the pub. Walking the aisle, the ridiculous wicket themed aisle, and seeing him standing at the other end, his eyes never leaving her as she walked down towards him. The flat in Willesden. Later, the house in a village, the one with the good schools they’d never need.

She gripped the arms of the chair, dug her nails into the fabric, stilled her thoughts again. If her mind raced she tried to keep it on the good stuff but each thread, when pulled, unravelled just as they had unravelled in the end. The thread she pulled the most ran back to the night she had realised, the night her stupidity had been revealed. He’d been away and, unusually, had picked up when she’d called him. They’d been rowing a lot recently so maybe he felt bad or maybe he was worried that she’d start to suspect. She could hear a noise in the background on the call, almost like static. I’m just running a shower. Just freshening up before meal with the team. When she thought about it later she figured that maybe he’d answered because he’d assumed that he was safe, his secret stashed in the shower, out of danger. But his secret, unknowingly, disclosed herself. Are you coming in to join me? Female voice. Flirtatious. Some laughter. Called loud enough to be heard over the falling water and called loud enough to be heard down the receiver of a phone.  

It was the consultant that came, flanked by the nurse that had brought her up before, holding a glass of water. He was in pale blue scrubs but had pulled the cap off his head and was holding it in one hand, playing it between his fingers and thumb. He introduced himself but Jane didn’t register the name, she was fixated on the glass of water and the restless motion of his fingers. Why would they bring a glass of water? He was speaking quietly but firmly, precisely. She caught him say “as his wife” and only then looked up.

“We split up,” she said, sadly. “We’re separated. Paul’s not my husband anymore, doctor. I don’t know… I don’t really understand why I’m here.”

“I’m so sorry, Mrs Roberts,” he said. “He has listed you as his wife in all his documentation. Including,” he paused. “Including as his next of kin.”

Jane looked at him again. “What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry but there was a complication in the surgery. Your husband, your ex-husband, is dead.”


Part five of the Marylebone set of stories. One to go. Obviously no happy ending for Paul but let’s see what awaits Jane.

This was another piece in my 26,000 words for Great Ormond Street Hospital (not the hospital referenced in this story) during July ’23. Fundraising details here.

Old flame

Marylebone Platform 4: Connection

“I’m staying over. I have a room, here, tonight.” She said it casually, holding eye contact throughout. 

“I’m just here for the day,” said Paul. “There wasn’t much on the agenda for tomorrow that I wanted to see.”

“Are you rushing off? Do you have time for a drink at the end?”

Paul hesitated. He’d promised Jane he wouldn’t be late. The appointment was tomorrow and she was quite nervous about it. Originally he’d suggested that it’d be easier for him to stay over at the conference, save him coming back into Marylebone in the morning; the clinic was close by and he could meet her there. She’d been upset and he’d acquiesced.

“Sure, that’d be great. It’d be nice to catch up,” he said. “Meet back here?”

She smiled, touched the back of her head. “Sounds like a plan.”

The morning sessions had passed by slowly. Paul hadn’t really taken them in as he was concentrating on his own presentation, re-reading his cue cards and silently practising his opening couple of lines in his head. He hadn’t really wanted to do it but he’d seen the last couple of promotions come and go, passed over for other people who were doing all the extra-curricular stuff that he’d never had the inclination for. It kept Jane happy as well. She seemed to have the next phase of their life mapped out and mid career free wheeling wasn’t part of her plan. She kept sending him links to job adverts for things that she thought looked suitable. Head of Logistics. Supply Chain Director. He insisted things were fine where he was and she’d give him the speech about how they’d take a hit when she was on maternity, how he would regret it if he didn’t try and challenge himself. He knew he was comfortable and coasting but it suited him.

His session had gone well. It was a pan European conference and his opening joke about Brexit had pulled everyone on side from the start. Whilst the audience were laughing he noticed her. Third row. She was looking directly at him and gave a small nod as she saw him recognise her. She looked essentially the same as she had at college; her hair was cut a little shorter but still tied up and back in ponytail; her suit was sharply tailored, skirt sat just above her knees, one leg crossed over the other; her face didn’t seem to carry many traces of the passing of the last fifteen years. It was her eyes that he remembered and the way she looked at him, a sense of wry appraisal and amusement, as if she was always judging him and finding it funny. Catherine Adams. Maybe not Adams now but that had been her name when they had danced round each other all those years ago.

It had never been serious. There’d been one night when they’d kissed at the end of a party, a couple of years after they’d left college. He’d invited her back but she’d rebuffed the offer and they’d settled into a brief exchange of phone calls, talking about anything but the kiss, and never really seeming to go anywhere. Paul had felt like she liked being chased but had no intention of being caught and so it had fizzled out, his enthusiasm ebbing away like the retreating tide. They’d only seen each other once since then, at a mutual friend’s wedding, shortly after he’d met Jane. She’d been with a plus one, some tall, dark haired guy he couldn’t remember the name of now, and he was in the first flush of falling in love and so they’d just had a pleasant conversation, no teasing lines, no sparring. There was a small moment as they’d stood at the side of the dance floor, watching the new bride and groom take their first dance, when she’d leant in and asked him how people knew, how do they know this is the one, this is what I will settle for? He remembered the ‘settle for’, remembered thinking at the time that she was wrong, that it wasn’t about settling but about certainty. It wasn’t about stopping because you were tired of searching, it was about starting because you knew you were found. He said something like that back to her and she’d patted his arm and said that she envied his perspective. She walked away before he could respond.

After almost ten minutes of waiting Paul was about to leave when Catherine appeared, detaching herself from a group of delegates and walking across the lobby to join him. He stood a little straighter as she approached.

“Well hello again,” she said. “Come on, let’s get that drink before I get dragged back into another discussion about border control implications on freight through Dover.”

“Not a conversation I suspect we’d have thought we’d be having back in the day,” said Paul.

“God, no. I expect our younger selves would be extremely disappointed in how boring and sensible we’ve become.”

“I’m sure you’re not always sensible.”

“Let’s find out,” said Catherine with the briefest flash of a smile.

They sat at the bar and ordered drinks. She’d caught the attention of the barman with a quick wave of her left hand, Paul noting the lack of rings. She seemed to clock his thought process and held her fingers up between them. “Unattached and very happy about it. No strings.” She was holding his gaze.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” said Paul.

“I didn’t say I was happy,” replied Catherine. “I said I’m happy to not be attached. Everything else is complicated. You can’t just drunkenly kiss someone at the end of a party and make it all go away now. Things were a bit simpler then.”

“Any you miss that? The simplicity of it?”

“Simple fun? Who wouldn’t miss that? Don’t you think about those times?”

“I guess,” said Paul. “They didn’t always feel so simple to me. I felt like I was chasing you for a while there. Especially after that party.”

“I did like the chase.” Catherine sipped her drink, placed it back on the bar. “These days I’m easier to catch.”

Paul was about to reply when they were interrupted by a group of people, one of them calling Catherine’s name as they came to stand alongside them at the bar. It was the delegate group she’d been with before. They started to order drinks and were continuing what seemed to be an ongoing conversation about the absurdity of some bureaucracy relating to food imports between Britain and Ireland. Paul’s phone vibrated in his pocket, a couple of missed calls from Jane and a message asking what time he would be back. He stood up and said that he probably needed to get away. Catherine motioned for him to wait a moment and pulled a business card from her bag, flipping it over to quickly write something on the back. “If you want to keep in touch,” she said, handing it to him face up to the side she’d written on, eyes never leaving his. He took it, slipped it into his pocket along with his phone. As he took it he saw that she’d written ‘room 316’, the number underlined.

Halfway up the platform at Marylebone he stopped as his phone rang again. The train home was just ahead, bumped up against some out of service carriages. He pulled out his phone, the business card coming out of his pocket at the same time. It was Jane again. He waited for it to divert to voicemail. He tapped a brief message about an incident on the line, delays, would be late, nothing to worry about, and then turned his phone off. He turned the card over. Her name on one side. A room number on the other.

Back at The Landmark he waited a moment outside room 316, closed his eyes, exhaled. Then he knocked on the door.


Part 4 of the Marylebone set of stories. I wasn’t quite sure how I wanted to do this and decided to leave the misdeed itself unwritten.

Halfway through the month and I am roughly half way to my word target of 26,000 for July in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital. Fundraising page here.

Smiling Assassin

She was a professional. Human Resources. Emphasis on the resources rather than the human. Her colleagues had nicknamed her “the smiling assassin” and whilst she gave no outward expression, beyond that signature smile, that she either agreed nor disagreed with the moniker, inwardly she liked it. Inwardly she also silently chalked up who was a little too keen to keep calling her it. Chalked up, filed away, took a mental note to take them out at the knees when an opportunity presented itself in the future. And it would. It always did.

She had not agreed with the new behavioural framework for the organisation. She’d maintained a steely, tight-lipped smile as her peer, the Head of Employee Experience, had taken them all through the briefing. As a general principle she didn’t believe that employees should be having experiences anyway; experience was something you gained, incrementally, steadily, painfully if necessary. Not something that was gifted to you, wrapped in a bow, from a team trying to smooth out all the rough edges of work. There was a reason it was called work.

The new framework – or “our behavioural contract” to give it full title, complete with the need for mandatory signature to signal “buy in” – was, on the face of it, simple. Be candid. Be respectful. Be brilliant. Be you.

She wasn’t having difficulty with any of the statements individually although was still disappointed that her suggestions of minor tweaks had gone unheeded. For the record they were: be brief or be gone, be good or be gone, be you unless you is insufferable and unable to understand acceptable parameters of professionalism in a modern office. She hadn’t actually voiced that last one despite the new desire for everyone to be candid. She’d judged that it might be perceived as not being respectful and therein lay the issue. Individually the statements were all fine – if a little soft – but entirely contradictory in practical application.

Being candid she wanted to regularly let everybody know that she was singlehandedly covering for their woeful performance. Being candid she wanted, specifically, to tell the Head of Employee Experience that, no, she wouldn’t like to be reverse mentored by a sixteen year old to learn about the lived experience of Gen-Z and how she could extend her profile via Tik Tok with a self-deprecating rap about the menopause. And, no, she didn’t think that giving everybody a day off on their birthday was a good idea and, no, she didn’t want to join in on fancy dress day and come in attired as a pirate. Being candid she wanted to put two thirds of her peers on performance measures, or, in the spirit of real candour, just get rid of them all via a compromise agreement. The compromise, on her side, being that she hasn’t just called security to have them escorted from the building without notice because the in-house employment lawyer (who was within that two thirds of peers) wasn’t prepared to play who-blinks-first at the resulting tribunals. Being candid she thought that the competency framework was better expressed as an incompetency framework given the examples at hand from the people around her. The idea from the Head of Talent to bring in an actual bicycle to brief everybody on the talent cycle (“it’s a metaphor, if people pedal really hard around here and steer well then they can succeed”) was, candidly, the most ridiculous thing she had heard since the same person had suggested that the potential axis on the talent grid could be changed to run from un-nurtured acorns to mighty oaks. She had given up trying to explain that all the potential was in the acorn. Not that she cared about potential: you can either do it now or you can’t and if you can’t then please refer yourself to the “be good or be gone” behavioural standard. Being candid she wasn’t entirely sure that she agreed with dress down Fridays, flexible working, the “Shining Stars” recognition scheme, time to work on your development, and, to be honest, lunch hours. Obviously people need to eat. But do they actually need an hour to do it?

She felt like saying all of those things was her being brilliant, being her. Be brilliant. Be you. So, you could argue that she was completely delivering against three of the four behaviours. Seventy five per cent. Crushing it. And if she delivered all of that candour, all of that brilliance, all of that “you”, with a firm, determined smile then surely that meant that she was also being respectful. Four out of four. One hundred per cent. Exceed on her end of year performance rating, top right box of the talent grid, earmarked for greatness on the succession plan. A mighty oak if we really must use the officially sanctioned scale.

She was a professional. She kept these thoughts to herself and with-held her candour. The Head of Employee Experience was pregnant and she knew that she was the obvious candidate for her maternity cover. Twelve months to unpick this madness and take them all out at the knees.

She smiled.


So this, I think, got caught trying to decide if it was funny or mildly sinister and didn’t entirely settle on either… which is my way of saying I’m not entirely happy with it but am also writing on a deadline and have no recourse to an edit. There are bits that work, I think. It’s probably informed by some past experiences but, thankfully, bears no relation to the brilliant people I work with now.

Anyway, internal critic aside… this is another 1,000 words or so towards my pledged 26,000 words in July for Great Ormond Street. Donation page here

Graduation

They had let her out on the morning of her graduation. Two years, four months, and five days after entering isolation and six months after widespread adoption of the vaccine. They’d lied about almost everything on the program including how long they needed her for. April hung on to the only things that she still believed were true: her blood had saved her friend and would vaccinate the globe. She’d spent most of her life isolated and now she was connected to almost everyone through millions on millions of injections of something synthesised from inside her.

She felt awkward and out of place in the Great Hall. It was the first set of ceremonies to be conducted back in the Wills Memorial since 2019, more than a decade ago, the first time that everyone felt safe converging in such numbers in a confined space. They had arranged a gown for her and let her change at the hospital before a taxi had picked her up to drive her into town. She had kept it from her parents, there would be time to call them later and she hadn’t wanted them to come straight away. She couldn’t really explain it but she’d completed her studies shut away, it was hers and hers alone and she wanted to keep them separate from her memories of her time in Bristol.

In the cab on the way over she had dropped a text to Aps, just a jokey thing commenting on the weather: beautiful day for a graduation. She knew they’d all had their ceremonies already as the scientists (even the pseudo ones like Leah) had been earlier in the week; she’d listened to them all chat about it on one of their regular video calls and been bombarded with photos afterwards, the usual shots of mortar boards thrown into the air, friends arm in arm, laughing families.

There was a shot of Aps that she loved, eyes glowing, facing down the camera with a broad smile. There was no trace of the shattered and wrecked girl that she’d seen in the HDU, no vestige of the months and months of rehabilitation she’d worked through, rebuilding her body, processing what had happened. They had clung to each other for the last two years, speaking every day, working through their memories of their shared experiences and talking about what they were facing now. April would read to her in the first few weeks of her recovery, dialling her up on video, and voicing over whatever she was studying. Later, as Aps got better, she took over the lead on their conversations and April was grateful for that; there were only so many ways to describe her day when every day was basically the same in isolation.

The pictures of Leah and Cora also brought her joy. Leah had grown her hair out, falling down across her shoulders. It was how she wore her hair growing up, she said, when they’d first moved to Italy. Her parents had flown over for her graduation and there were several shots of her and her dad pulling faces at the camera before a final one of the two of them, his arm across her shoulders, him looking at her with a quiet pride. Cora was mostly alone in her pictures but looked content and comfortable in herself. April knew she’d met someone in the last few months, they were taking it slow but it was making her happy. Cora had confided in her the day of her ceremony. She’d hesitated a little as she’d said that she would always love Rob but that she thought that it was finally time to move on.

April took a seat towards the back of the hall which was beginning to fill up. Everyone else gravitated towards the front, filling the rows with the best view. She didn’t mind. She didn’t really know anyone, they’d tried dialling her in on seminars but it had never properly worked trying to keep up with the flow of discussion in the room. They had usually forgotten she was there, a disembodied face on a propped up tablet. Towards the end she’d managed with just viewing the lectures and picking up one to one conversations with her tutor. She had hoped to meet him but couldn’t pick him out in the sea of faces and she felt still too uncertain to try and mingle in the crowd. It was only after she sat down that she realised how overwhelming it all was, like she was undergoing some sort of social bends, coming back up into a large group of people too quickly after so long on her own.

She took a deep breath and stood up. This was too much. She turned to leave.

In the doorway were three women. They weren’t wearing gowns and looked slightly breathless, flush in the cheeks, as if they’d just run up the gothic stairs on their way to the hall. One of them saw her and pointed. And then they were all running, all four, them to April and April to them. She felt arms around her for the first time in two years. They stayed like that for a long time.

“Why are you crying?” said Leah, finally. “You got a first.”

“Yeah,” agreed Cora. “It’s us that should be in tears. We didn’t have to study on our own for our degree and you still did better than us. I think the University’s a bit embarrassed about it to be honest, you’ve made them look bad.”

“They’ll spin it as evidence of the effectiveness of their distance learning programs,” said Leah. “And, I don’t know how to break this to you Cora but we are all kind of crying.”

“What are you doing here?” said April. “How did you know?”

“Really?” said Aps. “You think we wouldn’t figure out your cryptic little text. Absolutely classic April, can’t just come out with it and ask us to come.”

“I never was very good at asking people for help. Ask my therapist.”

“Which one?” said Leah. April laughed.

“Hey, now you’ve graduated you could be April’s new therapist,” said Aps.

“I really don’t think that’s going to work,” said April.

“You could be my lifetime study,” said Leah. “Don’t rule it out. I’ve already worked out our first session. Tonight. Classics night at the Kandi. Classics with an x, obviously, you haven’t missed that much. Indie dance therapy. I’m going to get it peer reviewed, imagine it will be bigger than CBT.”

“I never really got on with CBT,” said April. “But screaming Nirvana songs in your face under a strobe light I think I can get on board with.”

Cora gestured towards the front of the hall where some members of faculty and local dignitaries were taking their place on a stage underneath the building’s dome. Someone tapped a microphone and the four of them squeezed into seats on the back row, Cora and Leah flanking April and Aps in the middle.

Aps held April’s hand until her friend’s name was read out. She gave it a squeeze and let go and they all watched her walk to the front to receive her honours.

Alone but not lonely.

April alone

April like to be alone. Not lonely, that was different, that felt unasked for, unchosen, but alone was fine. This felt lonely.

She had been unconscious for three weeks. There was an old Joe Strummer song she liked called Coma Girl that she’d sung afterwards; nobody else seemed to find it as funny as her but nobody else was carrying as much darkness as she was. Too many dark secrets. In some ways she’d preferred it when she was in the coma. It was more honest at least.

They’d brought her back as her blood levels had stabilised, when they were sure her organs weren’t about to shut down. They’d flustered around her, treated her with kid gloves as if scared that they might break her again but she knew it was less about her and more about what she represented to them. She was vaccine. And based on her first conversations about what happened next she was vaccine and not heard. She’d signed the papers to save Aps, waived her rights, offered up her immunity, and agreed to submit to whatever was required to produce the cure. They said it was for her own protection, that it would be too much of a burden to be known publicly as the girl-that-saved-humanity (her embellishment, they’d said something slightly drier). She wasn’t entirely convinced that Vaccine Girl would be joining the celebrity ranks of the Avengers any time soon but was more inclined to believe their other arguments, notably that she might receive a lot of unwelcome attention from the anti-vax movement. It was still a minority fringe but the idea that the virus was a result of mankind’s desire to immunise itself against disease had picked up some traction. All of the test facilities and labs were anonymous now. And it looked like she was too.

They wouldn’t make promises but said they’d probably need her for a year. Maybe eighteen months to be sure. They weren’t really apologetic about it – there’s nobody else that has shown your immune response so we’ve got no choice – but had said that they would be able to open up her contacts, electronically, as long as she stuck to the script. She could continue with her studies remotely, it had all been arranged, most of the lectures were recorded anyway for people that struggled to make it to campus to fulfil their difficult five hours a week schedule. April hadn’t been one of those people. She didn’t mind about the lectures but she knew she would miss the arguments in her tutorials, the smell of books and the silence in the library which had an almost tangible quality, not just the absence of noise but the particular sound of people consciously not making noise. She would miss the walk down to the University and the bustle of the Union bar on a Friday afternoon and the smell of spilt beer on pub floors and the feeling of dancing through dry ice in a club.

Mostly she would miss her friends. It surprised her how much this was true, how much it had become true in the last few months since they’d met as strangers, shared a house, and formed their little coven. She knew no-one except her was calling it a coven. She wanted Leah’s standard greeting, an exaggerated kiss on both cheeks; she wanted Cora to  braid her hair, feel her tease out her tangles and smooth down the strands; she wanted to walk arm in arm with Aps, listening to her talk and talk and talk. She wanted to touch Aps most of all, to feel that she was really there, that she really came back, that she really did save her. She’d seen them all, part of her new video call friendship community but it didn’t feel real until she could hold and be held.

Her captors (again, her embellishment but, hey, this one was broadly true) tried to sell her on her sacrifice. You stay here, they get to go out, and maybe we get to stop this whole thing. She couldn’t argue with it, with its relentless rationale and logic. She could live with that but still couldn’t live with the deception and the cost. Aps had nearly died. If they’d just asked her then she’d have signed up for whatever they needed. She was sure she would. Mostly she was sure she would.

April, you alone can help us with this. Nobody else has your blood profile, your immune response. The whole program rests on you, so we had no choice. You alone.

Her phone rang. April hesitated before picking up, the screen announcing that it was Aps calling which meant that it would be all of them. This was how they usually called. She pressed the button to answer, turned her face to the screen, the small, circular camera, and waited. There was a brief pause as they connected.

“Hey April, it’s us, we see you… we still see you.”