“Are you looking after yourself?”
“How do you mean?”
“Physically, I mean. Exercise, moving. I don’t see you these days and just have these conversations to gauge your… your wellbeing.”
“I was really hoping you weren’t going to say ‘wellbeing”, said Pete. “Now I can’t decide if you’re channeling my mum or a well intentioned but useless mental health first aider at work.”
“Tell me about your mother…,” laughed Jen.
“I would run out of minutes.”
“Aren’t you on an unlimited minutes package?”
“Precisely. And I would still run out. Would probably burn through the unlimited texts too.”
“Okay, I wasn’t on a trauma trawl. Answer the original question and stop deflecting. Are you looking after yourself or do I need to send round a crew with a crane to lift you off the sofa?”
“Are you fat shaming me in your imagination, Jen?” said Pete. “Even my mother wouldn’t do that and, as we’ve established, I’m definitely not getting into that.”
“Stop. Your. Deflecting. I don’t care if your BMI is 20 or 40 or whatever a normal number is but I just want to know that your pulse is hitting 100bpm for better reasons than you woke up in a cold sweat after a recurring nightmare about your childhood.”
“Pilates,” said Pete.
“You have a recurring nightmare about pilates?”
“Yeah, mainly how much it costs. I was looking at that reform pilates and it’s ridiculous.”
“It’s ridiculous that you don’t even know what it’s called. It’s reformer pilates, not reform,” said Jen.
“I thought it was going to be a group of us contorting ourselves into positions where we convinced each other that we weren’t racist,” said Pete. “Even though the positions we were actually in were quite obviously problematic.”
“How long have you been working on that one?” asked Jen.
“It came to me during an actual pilates class,” said Pete. “You don’t have to worry, I have returned to the world of stretching and strengthening. I figured I might need to get back in shape in case someone needs me to put some flags up or take them down.”
“I don’t have you pegged as someone that feels the need to advertise your patriotism by hanging a St George’s Cross from the nearest lamp-post.”
“I’ll ignore the pegging…,” started Pete.
“Probably quite a hard thing to ignore,” said Jen.
“I’m rising above. I’m ignoring the pegging and being pegged and hard things and I’m just answering your point. I am not a fan of the flags. In fact I got called a pdf after I argued with someone about it on Facebook.”
“A pdf? Like the file extension?”
“Yeah. There must be some filter on certain words, I guess to stop people abusing each other, so the short-hand for paedo seems to be ‘pdf file’. Obviously doesn’t get automatically redacted. Maybe it’s libellous to call someone that, I don’t know. Credit where it’s due, I was surprised the far right had such a good grasp of phonics.”
“Can’t imagine that’s quite the brand extension Adobe were hoping for,” said Jen.
“No. And I don’t really understand why Facebook stops them writing that word but doesn’t stop people calling me the c-bomb.”
“Well that one is more factually accurate,” laughed Jen.
“I think you mean it more affectionally than they did,” said Pete.
“Of course,” said Jen. “The Scottish version. It’s practically like ‘mate’. Put daft in front of it and it probably means you’re best friends.”
“Well, I’ve learned my lesson. No more rage baiting on Facebook for me.”
“Very wise. Bad for the blood pressure. Will undo all that good work on your wellbeing.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got the pilates and I’ve also got a protein hack. You know? For the gains.”
“A protein hack? Is this going to be like when you said you’d hacked swimming by wearing your shorts to the pool, forgot your pants, and had to go commando to work?”
“That was an uncomfortable but strangely liberating day,” said Pete. “No, this is like a proper hack. I could probably put it on Tik Tok and go viral.”
“Against my better judgement then… what is it?” asked Jen.
“At work now they’ve got a really good salad bar and you can cram a large portion into a small box and get charged less if you’re strategic about sequencing…”
“Strategic salad sequencing?”
“…yes, if you lead with the bulky stuff – potato salad, beetroot, cucumber, tomatoes – then you can pack the lettuce and more malleable pieces in around it. Coleslaw will slot in anywhere.”
“And this is the hack?”
“No, no, no. That’s just common sense. The hack is that I add a chicken skewer to the salad so that I get some protein. Sometimes two.”
“Isn’t that just having some chicken with your salad? It’s not the hackiest hack I’ve ever heard if I’m really honest,” said Jen.
“But the salad doesn’t come with the chicken…”
“If you were choosing an egg that was way cheaper than the chicken, and that egg then hatched into a chicken, and you then ate the chicken having only been charged for the egg, then I’d call it a hack. Just choosing some chicken isn’t a hack.”
“What if I hide the chicken under the salad so I don’t get charged for it?”
“That’s just dishonest. Hack adjacent. Not an actual hack.”
“Diet, exercise, sleep. I’m practically a new man.”
“Is that a hint?” asked Jen.
“I’m pretty tired,” said Pete. “Much as I would love to continue this chicken related chat, I think it’s time they came home to roost.”
“Cluckin’ hell.”
“It’s funny. Georgie went vegetarian and the only thing she used to miss was a roast chicken. She used to say ‘cluckin’ hell’ when we were out somewhere and she caught sight of it or, more usually, its aroma.”
“I know, Pete. It’s why it came back into my mind.”
“She was my real hack, you know? My hack for life. Like a cheat code to make everything else seem okay, to help me cope with whatever else was going on.”
“You should sleep. Honestly, it’s great to see you trying to get healthy. It’s what she’d…”
“I know it’s what she’d have wanted, Jen. But let’s leave that unsaid if it’s alright? I’m still figuring this all out and I need to trick myself into getting better. I need to hack it.”
“You alright, Pete?” The same question, always the same question.
“Not yet. But I will be.”
“Okay. Sleep well you daft cunt.”
It appears that I haven’t written anything for nearly three years. As ever, the route back is easiest via letting Pete and Jen talk to each other.